Written Constellations

The Letter I Wish He Wrote Me

Maybe the reason why she kept asking if I loved her was because of me. I've stopped showing her off—I no longer post her pictures, write status about her, or tag her with silly memes. I no longer reply to her comments of sweet nothings and she just deletes them when I ignore them. For me these were stupid stuff but these little things made her happy before.

I stopped kissing her at random moments. I no longer hug her when she's scared, anxious, or insecure. Hell, I couldn't even remember the last time I did. I didn't know how to tell if she's really okay or not because I stopped asking her if something's bothering her. I no longer remind her how beautiful she is even if she only wears a big shirt. When was the last time her smile reached her eyes? No, she did smile. She smiled at me even when I hurt her, lied to her, ignored her.

She lost her best friend, her brother, her lover, when I stopped being them. I took myself away from her. And it hurts to know all these without realizing what I've done to her.

How could I give my attention to other girls without checking first if she's okay? How could I text other girls and forget that she's waiting for my messages? How could I allow myself to admire other girls without realizing I already have the best? I was too busy to see that she's already drifting and I'm doing nothing to pull her back. And when I think of the idea of losing her, it broke my heart. It damaged me go think of some other guy making my girl happy, doing things we used to do, loving her the way I should.

No, I couldn't lose the girl who stayed with me even after I broke her and cried herself to sleep. I couldn't lose the one who only ever understood me, the only one who didn't only tame my demons, but also danced with them. I couldn't lose the girl who loved me when I didn't love her enough. I couldn't lose my best friend, my love, my world. She's all things I need and I'm so stupid to only realize it now.

I'm sorry, my love. I love you. And I'd do anything in my power to keep you.