Getting Through Italy

|17| Lumache

"All of it."

At that, he retracted his hand from my stomach and shuffled further away, sitting up. I did the same, twisting to face him.

"Do you regret it?" he asked.

"No, I don't regret it. I'm just saying it shouldn't have happened."

"Sounds to me like you regret it."

His tone was colder, detached. I didn't blame him. If he was mad at me, then had sex with me, and then was still mad afterwards, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

"Don't twist my words, Nathan," I said. "I would never ever regret being with you like that."

His face softened, but his guard was still up. "Tell me straight out then. Why shouldn't it have happened?"

"Because there are things we need to discuss."

"And that means we can't have sex?"

"Not when there are issues between us."

"We've slept together hundreds of times. We're able to have issues but still enjoy sex."

"Well maybe I'm not so good at detaching those two parts. I can't have sex without feeling anything."

"Now you're twisting my words. Go on, say it. Your favourite line in an argument."

"I'm not saying it, Nathan."

"You're thinking it, though. Nathan can switch off feelings with sex because he's fucked so many girls before."

He threw the covers away from his body and swung his legs over the side of the bed. With his back to me, scratch marks were visible from his shoulder blades down to the base of his spine. I winced. I'd done that to him. I could remember it, too. Scraping my hands down his back as he relentlessly plunged into me, the way he'd go harder the more pressure I applied.

I considered saying something about it, but he stood up and pulled on a pair of boxers.

"It's not about the other girls, Nathan."

"Really? Because you often say that, and then you throw it back in my face whenever it pleases you."

"I'm more mature now. I don't see casual sex as a bad thing anymore. I'm just saying that we can't sort out these problems if we keep sleeping together."

He spun around to face me, frustration radiating off every inch of his body. "Isobel, you said several times last night that you didn't want to talk. And then you looked at me in a way that you'd never looked at me before so of course I was going to sleep with you. You seemed so certain that you wanted it—"

"I did want it! But you've been getting close to another girl while I've been away. I can't let myself be physically close to you when we're still sorting out emotional issues. It messes with my head. It's too easy to let it happen."

"It messes with my head, too, you know. One second you're furious with me, the next you're begging me to do things that we've never done before. Maybe I was tricked into thinking things were better between us than they are, so I'm sorry for being so naïve."

He pulled on a pair of shorts and a loose t-shirt, while I sat in bed, trying to keep my temper at bay. I counted to ten. He left the room. I got out of bed and threw on the first clothes that I came across in my suitcase. I counted to ten again, then I marched into in the kitchen, abandoning all attempts at self-control.

"How dare you accuse me of tricking you?"

Nathan was standing at the sink, filling a bottle with tap water. He didn't turn to face me, and he didn't flinch at my outburst.