Speak To Me

Wounds From Her Past

*One Week Ago*

That day, Alice drove around for hours just listening to music. Eventually, she stopped the car on the side of the road and leaned her head back against the driver's seat with her eyes closed. She focused on every breath she took before opening her eyes again and turning off the radio. She stared ahead and played FP's words over and over again in her own mind. Telling him about Chic had spiraled into events and feelings she hadn't expected when she contemplated telling him in the first place. Her vision was suddenly blurred when her eyes filled with tears. Her left elbow leaned on the door beside her and she rested her head in her hand as she cried.

When she went home that night, she found it difficult to fake a smile. Dinner was quiet and shortly after, she headed upstairs to her bedroom where she just sat on her bed with her book in her hands. Though instead of reading it, she just stared out the bedroom window. It was almost as if she were waiting for a young FP to show up, climbing the side of the house and sneaking into her window the way he did as a teenager. Hal eventually joined her in bed and she shook her head, turning to look at her husband beside her. 

"Goodnight, Alice." He leaned over to kiss her, but she turned her head and all he got was her cheek. She felt her own heart drop in her chest and her head had begun to spin. Was she beginning to realize something? "Where were you tonight?" 

"Oh, um...I went to go see if I could get some dirt from one of Clifford's cousins." She lied. "Other cousins." She added 'other' once she remembered Hal's disturbing secret about his relationship to the Blossoms. 

"Did you find out anything?" He put his hand over her waist before kissing the line of her jaw. "Anything interesting?" He kissed her neck.

Alice stared out the window again as she quietly responded. "Yes." She answered his question, putting a hand on his while it rested over her stomach. "Goodnight, Hal." She picked up his hand, removing it from her side of the bed and she set her book down on the nightstand before laying down and forcing herself to try and sleep while Hal disappointedly turned over behind her.

The next day, Alice sat in the cold, hard chair on the opposite side of the glass with her hands folded in her lap. She fiddled with her finger nails until the guard returned with FP on the other side. She could tell that he was confused by her visit and her hands fell to her thighs before she readjusted her position in her chair. FP folded his arms on the table and they just sat there, staring at each other, both wondering why she was there. 

The longer she looked at him, the harder her heart began to pound and the weirder she began to feel. She, too, folded her arms on the table in front of her as she fiddled with her ringless ring finger. Its emptiness seemed to help her in what she was about to say, though she wasn't sure if she could or if she should say it. Finally, after a moment of looking into each other's sad and confused eyes, she reached for the phone on the hook and he followed. Even still, after holding the phones up to their ears, no one could speak a word for a long while.

Finally, she broke the silence between them. "What happened back then changed everything between us. When I found out I was pregnant...I knew right away it couldn't be Hal's. I just had this knot in my stomach that told me it was yours. When I told Hal, he actually seemed hopeful for a minute until he realized the truth. You always had this big hold on me in our relationship and Hal was not blind to that. Eventually...he made me hate you. He continued to remind me of what happened between us and for some reason...I believed him when he said that you would want nothing to do with the baby."

"Why are you telling me all this?" FP wondered.

"Because I need you to understand something." She felt butterflies, which she hadn't felt in so long. 

"And what's that?"

"You and I became toxic for each other once the Serpents became a part of our relationship." She explained. "The entire vibe between us took a dramatic flip and our infatuation with each other turned more into that need for someone to make you feel alive. We forgot about the love in our relationship and just focused on feeling safe and familiar with one another. For the longest time, I thought that being a Serpent changed you and that's what ruined us. But it wasn't until yesterday that I realized...I was the one who changed."

"Alice...what are you trying to say?" 

"I'm saying....that we both went our separate ways. We're both married now and we have children with those spouses that we need to think about."

"I'm getting divorced." He threw in.

"Yes, but I'm not." She sighed before nervously swallowing. "What I'm saying is that no matter how we feel...the best thing is for us to be apart." She looked down at her hands for a moment and bit her lower lip. "Yesterday when I was here, I didn't even realize what I said to you before I left. I barely slept last night when it came to me. You really were the love of my life and I never left Hal because our daughters became the new loves of my life. I hadn't seen that it wasn't him I was clinging to but it was them and it was the need to feel better without you. From now on...the only reason you and I are connected will be because of Chic. I'm sorry." 

She began to take the phone away from her ear when FP stopped her. "Alice, wait." She did. "Am I getting this right? I'm not alone in this?"

"FP, it doesn't matter. Like I said we-"

"I just need to hear you say it." He wanted to put his hand on the glass between them, but he fought the urge to. "Please? Just...one last time." He sadly whispered. Seeing him like this began to break her, but she did her best to stay together, until... "Alice." His voice cracked with sorrow and he let his head fall, looking down as he held his face. She realized she hand't heard him say her name like that in forever. 

Her eyes opened a bit more and she felt it again...that knot in her stomach he gave her long ago. She realized she needed to do this for him and she fought back tears that seemed to represent the memories and wounds from her past coming back to haunt her. She waited until he picked his head up again, looking into her eyes and she said it. "I still love you, FP." She quickly hung up the phone and stood, leaving faster than she had the other day.