Broken (Brown Eyed Boy book 2)

Moments (Carlos POV)

I meant what I said about Jessie being special to me; she always was and always will be. I just never said it out loud to her because it was something I thought she already knew. Actually, that's not completely true; part of the reason I never said it was because it made me nervous. There goes that annoying feeling again that keeps holding me back from telling her these things that I really want to. Again it struck me that I must really love Jessie.

No one has ever made me as nervous as Jessie continues to. I manage to seem confident around her and flirt without a second thought but whenever I want to be serious and tell her I love her my pulse races, my body heats and my heart feels hollow like its going to stop beating at any second. And while I hate that feeling and the way it holds me back from telling her, I also love it. Because I know that as long as I have that feeling I could never do anything to hurt her.

I was sitting on the balcony roof and thinking about this when I realized something. Jeremy told me that Jessie would believe me no matter what I said and I knew it. And that was another reason that stopped me from saying I loved her. Because what if I said it, but it turned out I didn't mean it? Or what if I said it, meant it and we lived happily for years until one day I just didn't feel that way or I messed up so bad that there was no way to fix it? Jessie would believe me in an instant and then when I hurt her who knew what she would do. She's been hurt so much that I could be the last push before she goes over the edge.

Deep down I knew that none of this would happen. I could never hurt Jessie because I just cared too much. Even with my old girlfriends I never hurt them and they can't even compare to how I feel about Jessie. So in the end, all my flip flopping on whether I should tell her or not came back to my nerves. I sighed in frustration and knocked my head against the house at the same time I heard Alex calling me from inside.

"I'm out here," I answered. He came to the window and shook his head at me as he started to climb out.

"Didn't your mom tell you not to sit out here?" he asked.

"Yeah, when I was seven," I responded. "I'm pretty sure I can make sure I don't fall now."

"If you say so," he said, sitting next to me. "So what are you doing out here anyway?"

"Thinking," I said.

"About Jessie?" I looked at him and he gave me an amused smile. "You are so whipped."

"Guess I am," I shrugged.

"So have you told her you love her?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Jeez, you can tell too?" I asked, suddenly more frustrated than I was before. If it was so easy for everyone to see, why couldn't I just tell her?

"Carlos, I think-"

"If you say even a blind person can see it, I swear I will push you off this roof," I said, irritated.

"Someone's touchy," he replied. "I take it you haven't told her then?"

"No," I said. "The closest I've come was telling her today that she was special to me. Other than that, I can barely get the word 'I' out."

Alex laughed and I suddenly felt stupid for telling him. He's probably told Phoebe that he loves her over a thousand times and would be married to her in two days, while I can't even work up the nerve to say it to Jessie even once.

"How did you know it was the right time to tell Phoebe?" I asked.

"I don't really know," he answered seriously. "It just kind of happened one day. We got in an argument over a game we were playing and I just blurted it out."

"You told her you loved her while you were mad at her?" I asked in disbelief.

"I was more irritated than mad," he said. "I mean we were arguing over who should have done what and she was irritating me because she didn't understand which way I told her to go. I remember wanting to be really mad at her and just yell, but all I could do was notice how her eyes lit up while she argued. Then for some reason it reminded me of her smile and I started thinking about how happy I was to be around her. Eventually I realized that I couldn't imagine having moments like that with anyone else and instead of responding to what she said, I told her I loved her."