Dear Diary

Day 24

Write the words you want to hear vs the words you need to hear

Dear Diary,
                        Needs and wants is the first thing you're taught in an economics class.

You can survive without your wants but you can't survive without your needs.

But maybe that's wrong, because I'm surviving.

About a month ago, I would've said I was ONLY surviving, not living.

But it makes me so happy to say that maybe I am actually living now.

So, here is what I want to hear:

I want to hear that my mom will be fine.

I want to hear that my dad wasn't mad at me when he died.

I want to hear that Travis's mom isn't mad at me

I want to hear that Luke still thinks of me as his munchkin

I want to hear that whatever happened to Travis wasn't my fault in any way

I want to hear that Brandon will never leave me

I want to hear that I'll get through high school

I want to hear that I'll get into a good college

I want to hear that someday I'll finally have the courage to talk to my mother and my brother

I want to hear that one day I will actually be able to go and see my dad's and Travis's grave, because apparently it's some kind of closure

I want to hear that my future will not be as bad as my past

I want to hear that racism and sexism will end

I want to hear that this recovery process that I'm going through won't be taken away from me

I want to hear that someday in the future, I will finally be free of my thoughts.

I want to hear that I will be truly and utterly happy one day

More than half of these things are unrealistic and will probably never happen.
But hey, a girl can dream, right?

Now here are the words I need to hear:

I need to hear that I can't blame everything on everyone else. That I'm responsible for my problems too.

I need to hear that I can't always rely on others.

I need to hear that not all I want is going to come true.

I need to hear that life can still be harsh and my happiness MIGHT just be temporary.

Most of all, I need to hear that it's okay. That I'm enough. That I'm strong.

That I will survive, I will persist, I will fight.

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Hey!
Do y'all wanna hear something sadder than the fact that I won't be able to upload till the 23rd of December?

Only 7 chapters of "Dear Diary" are left.
Including the epilogue.

😢😪 it's sad, trust me, I know.

P.S. Please wish me best of luck for my exams!