Short Stories

Confessions - OCR

“Let’s begin, shall we?” Marie breaks the silence. It makes me wonder how much time has passed already. To me it feels like half an hour, at the least, but my watch says it has only been a couple of minutes. I want to go home and curl up on the couch.

“Is there anyone who wants to share their story?” Marie asks. Her dumb question makes me chuckle. The moment I realize what I just did, I try to hide it with a cough. I wonder if anyone buys it but I don’t look up to find out. Instead, I stick to my thoughts of how no one in their right mind was going to start talking first. I definitely wasn’t. In fact, I don’t think I’ll be sharing anything tonight. Sorry, Marie with the crazy blond curls and multi-colored flower dress, but I just don’t think I belong here.

Surprised, I look up when I hear the teenage boy say Hello to the rest of the group. He had looked just as uncomfortable as me being here. Obviously, I am not that good at reading people. This thought makes me chuckle again. I blame it on the nerves and the uneasiness, but still, I lock eyes with the boy and silently I apologize. I hope he knows I’m not laughing at him.

He tells us his name is David, as if we’re illiterate people and thus can’t read the name on his sticker. David continues to speak after a short hesitation but I’m too caught up in my own thoughts to make out the words. I start to panic. I want to get out of here, even more than I had ten minutes ago. I envision all the possible ways of leaving this place; fake calls, remembering an urgent dentist appointment, bathroom break, leaving without excusing myself at all… Name it and I promise the thought crossed my mind.

A nudge on my arm brings me back to planet Earth and I realize everyone is staring at me. Instantaneously, my face turns a shade of red, unseen and unknown to mankind before. One day, I’m sure, people will name this color after me. Suddenly, it’s very hot in here as well. Did someone turn on the heat?

“Vicky?” Marie asks, and as a deer caught in the headlights of a car, or a toddler caught with his hands in the cookie jar, I cringe in my seat.

“It’s your turn,” Joanna whispers from next to me. I am not sure if anyone else heard her. Maybe they did; maybe they didn’t. I tell myself it doesn’t matter.

“My turn?” I squeak. Breathing has become a whole lot harder. Was there even oxygen left in this room?

“Yes,” Marie says calmly. “David, Christine, Cari, Nicole, Ian and Joanne have been so generous to share their story with the rest of us.”

I shake my head. I can’t believe I missed all that. I try to even my breathing while Marie addresses me again.

“Please share your story with us. You don’t have to, of course, but…” she motions to the rest of the circle. “We would all greatly appreciate it if you did us the honor of sharing your story.”

I want to disappear. Instead of being a red traffic sign, I want to be transparent, invisible. Most of all, I don’t want to be part of this pathetic circle.

I make the mistake of facing some of the people and they smile reassuringly. They nod in encouragement for me to talk. I can’t. I won’t. They don’t look away. Even if I would want to speak up, I have no idea what to say. I blanked out while the others shared their story so I have no clue as to what I’m supposed to share with them. Why can’t I just wake up from this nightmare?

I know that there’s only one option for me; I have to give them something. Just when Marie opens her mouth to say something else, I find my voice.

“Vicky,” I say quickly. “My name is Vicky and…” I swallow away the lump that cuts off my air supply. “And I suffer from a severe case of OCR.” Now that I have this off my chest, I figure I should just get the rest of my story out in the open as well. “OCR…or Obsessive Compulsive Reading if that’s what you want to call it. I’ve struggled with this for a while now and it’s getting harder and harder. I try my best not to read, but then I relapse and I will read numerous books after one another. It’s either all or nothing. I can’t read at a reasonable pace and I can’t quit reading mid-story. I have to read all the books in a series and can’t stand the Post-Book Blues – Post Book Blues is similar to the baby blues after giving birth, only, Post Book Blues does not involve babies, nor births, but books and the lives of fictional characters instead. I have found that the only solution to deal with those Post Book Blues is to read even more. It’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out – a downward spiral if you will. When I start reading a book, I forget about the world; everything that’s not related to the book that I hold in my hands will have to wait until I’ve read the very last word of the book. Once I start reading, I can’t stop. When a book doesn’t suck me in from the start, or when it doesn’t blow me away, I still continue to read. I will force myself to read the rest of the book in fear -- and hope -- that it’ll magically take a turn for the better and I don’t want to miss out on what could be a great story. I’ve come to realize that this is not normal but I can’t help but think that those characters deserve to be read. What are their lives for if no one reads them? Everything they go through would all be for nothing if we didn’t take the time to read their story. In order for fictional characters to live their lives, we must read their stories. It’s a blessing and a curse all the same and I wonder – but highly doubt it – if I’ll ever be able to read like a normal person. My goal is for one day to be able to read for an hour or so and put the book I’m reading aside. I want to be able to savor a book instead of slaughtering it like I’m used to. Reading is an obsession, a compulsion, an addiction. Right now, at this point in my life, books will be my downfall and it scares me that this doesn’t bother me in the least.”

A little shocked, I realize the length of the monologue I just held and heat rises to my cheeks once again. For a moment, I forgot the other people; I forgot that I had an audience. I shared my every thought and now I was afraid for the laughter that would follow. It didn’t. The room stays quiet for just a while longer and I’m afraid they’ll kick me out of the group for being pathetic. But then, Joanne leans over to me and pats me on the back.

“Wonderful!” she grins widely.

From the other side of the circle, a guy shares his thoughts as well. “Exactly my thoughts,” he says. “I know perfectly well what it’s like.”

Other people agree with him, others simply nod. It’s Marie who surprises me most.

She stands up from her chair and starts applauding – not something I anticipated. And then, the others follow her example and before I know it, I’m indulged in pats on the back and sideway hugs.

It’s there and then that I finally realize that not being normal is not so crazy after all.

Copyright © 2012 Vicky Claerbout

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Note: this isn't a serious' short story, just an idea for my blog that got a bit out of hand. I wanted to do a blog on how addicted I am to reading at times (especially when I don't have the time to read) and how I end up reading one book after another. For a split second I imagened myself standing up in some sort of group like Readers Anonymous or something similar, and saying "Hello. My name is Vicky and I'm addicted to reading." One thing led to another and I ended up with this decent-sized short story of sorts.

I hope you enjoyed reading it because I definitely, without a doubt, enjoyed writing it!

"Read on", I'd say :)