Black Coffee (Tara's Dream)|Dearest Diary, - Book 1 (unedited)

Chapter One

"What do you mean?" he asks, frowning.

"I want to do my own thing. I want to fulfil my own dreams."

"In Kenya?"

"For now. Troy, I know how it feels like to be dependent and it's not great."

"So you want independence?"

I nod my head.

"You can still have that with me beside you, in Darwin."

"Is this about me or Briella?" I ask beginning to get agitated. "Because I feel like the only reason you are bothering with us is just so you can have your little family together."

His face hardens and I can see that he is fighting not to get angry.

"Sure, I want my daughter beside me, but don't you think that if it was just her I wanted, I would fight for custody?"

Our eyes lock and Monica's words come into my head. I pull my hand from his grip and turn round to start marching into the cabin.

"Attara wait!"

"Wait for what?" I yell back. "Your mother is already planning to sue me, So?"

"What?"

I take advantage of his shocked state and dart into the cabin.

.........

“What seems to be the problem?”

“I don’t know and that’s the problem. I am really not mad at him, but I am not okay. Things are not okay. I want them to be great like they used to, but they are not.”

“Attara?”

I turn to find Troy standing at my door and sniff back the tears that were already falling.

“Hold on David. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, but one more thing. I know it is hard, but you have let go. When you do have time read Hebrews twelve fifteen. I’ll send you more verses on grace and I think that will help.”

“Thanks David.” I tell him and hang my phone ready to face Troy. “What?”

Troy pushes my bedroom door open and walks in, coming to a stop in front of me.

“I am sorry.” he finally tells me. Irritation floods me, once again, but I manage to control myself.

“Why are you sorry?”

“That things are not okay. I shouldn’t have brought up that issue.”

“Why not? We were all thinking it.” I respond with a sigh and pass a hand through my hair. “I don’t know Troy. Maybe it’s too late for us.”

Even as I say that, I feel myself begin to panic and from the look on his face Troy is feeling the same.

“Don’t say that.” he says taking a step closer to me. “I can’t lose you again.”

I feel his agony and it mirrors my own. At the same time I also feel lost and at odds with myself.

“It’s not working Troy. I feel so apprehensive and I cannot live like this!”

“Attara...” he whispers.

“No, what we had is lost and I don’t know how to relate to you anymore. You’re different, I am different. How will it work?”

My anguish tears my heart into shreds. I am heartbroken and it can’t be helped. Tears flow down my cheeks and I crumble onto my bed, sobs racking my body.

“Attara...” Troy whispers again and his anguish matches my own. The mattress beside me dips and I feel his arms wrapping around me.

More tears flow out of my eyes. I do not feel so strong anymore or independent and it doubles my anguish. Every form of control that I thought I had on things crumbles and I am left with nothing.

“If you want, I can move here. We’ll make it work.” Troy whispers. His words cut through the silence that has descended on us and I look up to face him, a laugh threatening to leave my mouth.

“Troy...” I say, my lips twitching at his serious expression.

“I mean it.” he says and his eyes drop to my lips.

“What will you do? You are a lawyer, your firm is in Darwin.”

“I don’t know.Buisness?”

I shake my head.

“You will do no such thing.”

“Why not?” he counters.

“Let’s become realistic. You cannot leave what you love doing and move just like that?”

“And yet you are asking me to do exactly that.”

I close my eyes and rub my head in frustration.

“Don’t you see. If you give up your dreams you will end up resenting me and you will lose me either way."

“Fine. I won’t leave my job, but I will come and see you every opportunity I get. Like I am already doing with Bri.”

“Troy...”

“Attara, I have finally gotten the opportunity that I have been dying for the last three or so years and I won’t let it go just like that.”

My eyes lock onto his and I smile at the sincerity I see there.

“Fine.” I respond.

“Can I kiss you now?” he asks me and I narrow my eyes at him.

“Don’t milk it.”

Troy chuckles and stands up, ready to leave. He steps reach the door but then he turns and  backtracks with a more serious expression on his face plastered on his face.

“What you said about my mom?”

“I don’t want to talk ill of her, so please, take it up with her.”

“Okay.” he nods and turns to leave again. Exhausted, I let down my mosquito net and curl up my body to sleep.