My suicide story

My battle with suicidal tendencies & cutting

Back to 2010 , those instruments and equipments attached to my body in the critical care unit coupled with fear of sudden death for a fortnight got me pretty traumatised . "Not to worry or anything, you're out of danger now and it's just a part of recovery . You will fell better soon enough ," doctors said . I waited desperately for the day when I would be able to go outside like others and get on with my career . I grew self-conscious in bed . Things started happening to me in an awful way .
Three month passed and seemingly I looked recovered . It was a moment of rejoice for my parents and caretakers. I was told to restart with my studies and I did. Something was getting bigger and bigger inside me subtly . I didn't understand what it was. I blowed it off and tried to focus on studies. I could realise that i was not the same person anymore. I connected with a girl who I had started loving in junior secondary year secretly . It went completely wrong . I was already traumatised and it triggered new onset of psychological disorders in me . My studies took a back seat as I left them midway and then didn't carry on for years . I lost touch with reality , so with my mates . My relation with my dad got strained . I dropped two consecutive years of my studies without any apparent reason to my parents . It was the beginning of third successive year to be dropped . At that stage I was without any goal so there was no motivation to start formal academic studies. I attempted to get myself together but I relapsed in a short span of time . Everything got dark around me and nothing interested me . Nobody was giving any attention to me then and it alienated me further . It was me and myself . Suicidal tendencies took hold . It was going to be a tragic reaction to stressful situations. My brain began to connect false sense of relief from all that with the suicide . When my planned suicide was just some days away , I met a teenager aged 16 from USA who was going through the same . She introduced me to her friends who had had the same thing going on with their lives and we started talking on a daily basis on Skype and hangouts . I released what I had held for long and it came as a relief . I stopped bottling things up . It began to change me and I overcame suicidal tendencies. Thanks to all of them , especially Samantha .
‎ If you are the one having Suicidal tendencies , just talk to someone you confide in . If you don't have such person in life , talking about your stressful situations with a stranger or therapist doesn't hurt. Even writing a few lines acts as a cathartic release .

I started again with a business school and it went well . I came to grips with stuff and began to come on track . I was consciously aware of seretonin levels and how they affect me . You know things go wrong time after time and it's just a part of our lives . Unfortunately I got into cutting as my mind again connected false sense of relief to the acts of cutting . Yeah , it provided some temporary relief but things got worse again .A Stressful situation was the cue . The cutting routine continued and the reward was the temporary relief. It became the habit . Don't confuse cutting with Suicidal tendencies , they are too difficult things . My foreign mates again got me back to living a normal life .
Simple : don't bottle things up. Cutting and suicidal tendencies are secretive mostly and if you know any friend who you doubt to be a victim , don't get mad at them or lecture or beg them to stop. Just Understand and make them believe that you care and they deserve to live a happy life .it works . The testimony is me alive and living a happy life .

Cheers xx

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