Key To My Heart [Devan Key]

The Real Goodbye

"What happened?" I ask finding the strength to sit up.

"You had a severe panic attack and ended up passing out. But you should be ok now. Right?" My mum explains.

"I think so." I say rubbing my eyes.

Devan helps me up and I see everyone staring at me. I drag Devan with me into the hallway.

"Are you ok?" he questions once we make sure nobody is around to see nor hear us.

"I saw the casket and lost it. I'm sorry, I think I'm ok now." I assure him, pulling him into a hug.

We make our way back into the sanctuary and just in time for the short memorial service.

The pastor does the normal "You all loved him, he was a great man blah blah blah blah blah blah..." then mum spoke, after her OakLeigh. It broke my heart to see my sister have to hold back tears when she said "Daddy". Me and OakLeigh were always closer with our dad, not that we weren't with mum. But, we were just a lot closer with dad.

When it was my turn to speak, the nerves kicked in. I got up to the front with no speech in hand just my thoughts.

"My father was a bad person at times. But he had a good heart, even though at times a good heart isn't always enough. I always saw the good that was in my dad because believe me it was there. He loved me and OakLeigh with all of his heart and I saw it. He may have died doing a bad thing but he will will be remembered for the good.

I never understood why he liked drugs. I never knew what he found so good about them. Because drugs make you a different person, they make you mean, ruthless and evil. My dad was none of those things, but the drugs made him that way. I now regret hating him at times because he's gone. My father has been taken from me and I can't get him back. I don't want to believe it but he is gone. That's all I have to say." I run to the back crying, my emotions getting the best of me.

I don't care anymore.

Im angry, I'm sad, I'm empty, I feel nothing but those three. I can hear the pastor wrapping up the ceremony by praying. When he is done we do a viewing of the body. I get the strength to get up and peer into the casket. I know everyone says this but its true. He looks lifeless pale, I touch his hand and it felt like ice. He's really gone. This is their proof.

I can't deny it anymore.

I look over to see my mum sobbing, this was her breaking point. I see OakLeigh sitting on Collins lap silently crying as he comforts her. Devan is stood next to me with an empathetic look on his face. He takes my hand and squeezes it "I'm sorry, baby." he has never called me that before. My heart melted when he said that, I swear. But people call people baby all the time. It doesn't mean anything, he's just being nice. I convince myself.

"The following reception is at Mrs. Lockwoods house." the pastor announces. We get into my jeep and Devan drives because I'm not in a good state to drive.

When we arrive there are already a few people there. Mum is in the kitchen setting up the food she had prepared nights before. I sit in the passenger seat not wanting to get out, but Devan makes me. I am greeted by family and friends. Telling me how much i've grown and all that other cliche shit. I go upstairs overwhelmed by it all. I rummage through my closet to find a tiny wooden box. I open it finding the blade I had used about 9 months ago.

I shouldn't do this.

I shouldn't do this.

I shouldn't do this.

I press the blade to the skin of my wrist and slide it across pain fully slow.

My mouth is left agape when I realized what I had just done. I promised everyone I would never do it again. But I did. I hear a knock on the door and quickly put the blade back in the box. I throw it into the closet and shut the door. I hide my now bleeding wrist behind my back and yell.

"Come in!"

"Hey. You ok?" Devan asks shutting the door.

"Uhm ya."

"Ok, good I thought something was-" his eyes shoot to the hand behind my back, "why are you hiding your hand?" he questions.

"Oh uh no reason." I say innocently.

"Ok let me see it then."

"No!" I say a bit too quickly,

"Let my see your goddamn hand!" he says grabbing my wrist and I wince in pain as his flesh touches the open wound. My blood gets on his hand as a tear rolls down his cheek.

He's crying. I hurt him by doing this.

"You told me you wouldn't do it again. YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID YOU WOULDN'T!" he yelled, shocking me.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do! Please don't cry!" I beg.

"You could've talked to me! I'm going to cry because I care about you more than anything else on this earth. Where is it?" he asks referring to the blade.

"I'm not telling you. I need it! It's my only release!" he goes into my closet to find that the blade had fallen out of the box and unto the floor.

He puts it back in the box and takes it.

"You are never getting this back. If I have to watch you 24/7 to make sure you don't hurt yourself I will." he warns, tossing the box from my window to his landing on the bed.

"Come here." he takes me into the bathroom, cleans my cut and bandages it.

He leans down to kiss it, giving me chills.

"I'm sorry, its hard to stop." I confess.

"I understand. But please don't ever do anything like this again. You have me."

"It's not that easy! I can't just wish away my suicidal thoughts Devan." I say.

"I know, but try please. For me?" I look into his bright tearfilled eyes.

"Okay."

"Okay." he answers, we giggle at The fault in our stars reference. I hug him tightly, feeling actually happy.

(Hey lavelies!! I had surgery on Friday so thats why I haven't updated. I'm still healing and will be for the next 2 weeks so I will have a lot of down time to write! Anyways thanks for reading! Don't forget to vote AND comment your thoughts!
Byeeee!
❤,Kayla
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Ps. sarahmayhue07 when I wrote this I got feels from Josh's funeral Sad times😖)