Through the Lens

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"I bet she'd love that." I said as I dipped her little legs into the pool and she kicked them around.

"So how's the album coming, Harry?" Ryan asked as he leaned against the edge of the pool and Kelsey tried to get some sun on one of the lounge chairs.

"Pretty good. I got a lot done in Jamaica. Still doing some more writing, then I'll just have to finalize the list of what actually makes the album. I'm hoping to have it out late spring or early summer." I sighed, thankful I was relatively close to being finished, only needing a few more things, but still nervous about it. "I was gonna show you what I've got while you were here and see what you thought."

"I'd love to hear it. I've only heard the stuff you had at Christmas that wasn't finished yet." He smiled.

I'd spent a few weeks in London after I'd received the news about Louis' mum, luckily I'd been able to move some of my meetings and what not so I could be close by, before she made me promise to go to Jamaica to make my album. She'd been encouraging all of us to go about our lives as normal, and as much as I'd wanted to be there for her and Louis, the record label had booked the studio time and rented the house so I couldn't put it off very long. I'd been there a month when Lou called to say she only had days left, so I'd flown home to see her before she passed and made sure I was available for whatever Lou or his family needed. He'd promised her he would perform his first solo single on the x-factor, which happened to be the day after she'd passed away, and Niall, Liam and I had all been there to help him get through it. I'd never been more proud of him as I watched him deliver an amazing performance in her honor, choking back tears as he did something I knew without a doubt I would have never had the strength to. It was a really difficult and surreal time, but we'd all come together to be there for Louis and if anything it just reminded me how lucky we all were to have each other.

I'd flown back to Jamaica a week later, doing my best to throw myself into my writing to escape the all consuming pain I felt over everything that had happened over the past few months. I'd written most of the songs I was considering for my album within my first week or two there, and recorded the ones I'd written before I left. It had been a really therapeutic time for me, helping me sort through all the bullshit and be honest with my music. If anything, everything that happened with Hailey had given me material to write some great songs. I was there for almost two months overall, writing and recording with the band I'd selected who'd quickly become like family to me, and it was a completely new experience. I'd never written an album like that, and without all the pressure I was used to having I was able to come up with some of the most personal material I'd ever written.

I'd left Jamaica just a few days before Christmas so that I could keep my promise to Hailey and spend Christmas in Lily Ridge, and it had been a really good holiday. Mum, Gem and Kelsey made Christmas dinner with supervision from Gram, and Robin, Ryan, Cash and I went out and actually cut down a Christmas tree to bring home. Hails had been right, Lily Ridge was gorgeous in the winter and the only thing that would have made it any better would have been having her there.

I'd e-mailed her non-stop after she first left, not knowing how to get a hold of her and thinking that was the best way since apparently she'd been e-mailing Ryan back and forth. I wanted to apologize and explain myself, do my best to smooth things over, but I never heard back. After I sent about 20 e-mails, I realized that enough time had passed that she must have received them and made the conscious decision not to reply. It was killing me to think I hurt her so badly, but if she wasn't willing to talk to me about it there wasn't much I could do. Ryan said she seemed to be doing well and enjoying her time there so I found a bit of peace in that.

I still e-mailed her once in a while, just letting her know I was still thinking about her and hoping maybe she'd write me back, but I hadn't heard a peep from her in three months. I did my best to keep busy, to throw myself into my album and use it to say all the things to her I couldn't say to her face, but every day that passed without hearing from her never seemed to numb the pain of it. I missed her, I missed my best friend, and so much was happening that I wanted her advice on. Writing to her had almost become like a kind of journaling, where I would tell her all about what I was doing and how I was feeling, at times it was even therapeutic. Losing Louis' mum had been hard on me, on all of us, and I was still trying to navigate this whole solo career thing and just wanted the reassurance she always offered that made me feel like I was making the right decisions. The silence was killing me, and sometimes it felt like my life meant nothing without her in it.