I spend most of our impromptu breakfast picnic just watching my girls talk while stuffing their faces with food.
Like mother, like daughter. Peas in a pod. They laugh the same way, at the same things. They both make soft humming noises when they eat. And they both love to randomly shove food in my mouth.
From the outside looking in, we look like a normal happy family. If you looked a little closer though, you'd see how Lily constantly touches her mother as if trying to keep her within arms' reach at all times. If you looked even closer, you'd notice how my wife keeps glancing around like she's looking for a way out. Every so often, one of them will look at me with a question in their eyes, seemingly checking to make sure they're not doing anything to upset the very fragile world we're all desperately trying to rebuild.
To see that look from Dei is reassuring. To see the same look from our little girl is heartbreaking.
"Tatay, who is the more maganda? Me or Nanay?"
"You're both equally beautiful, babydoll."
Lily giggles and launches herself at me.
"Tatay, wrong answer po ikaw. I not beautiful. I only cute because I still baby. Nanay is the very beautifulest Nanay in the whole world!"
Dei stands from their side of the swing, picks Lily up then sits on my lap. She gives me a soft kiss on the lips before rubbing noses with Lily.
"Thank you Lilykins. How about Tatay? Is he the most handsome Tatay in the whole world?"
Lily looks first at Dei, then at me, as if making sure she gives the right answer. After a few seconds her eyes light up.
"Tatay is the pogiest Tatay in the whole world when he smiling, Nanay. When Tatay sad he is make simangot face and look out the big window. I no like Tatay's face when he sad. Kaya Tatay, always na po ikaw mag-smile okay? No more na ikaw cry. Nanay is here already."
I merely nod in agreement, not trusting my own voice.
"Smile na ikaw Tatay. My heart is masasakit pag when you cry. Nanay, hindi na ikaw mag-go away diba po?"
Dei cups our daughter's face and kisses her on the nose. Then she hugs us both tightly and plants more kisses on our faces. This starts a round of giggling and tickling between my girls.
It's only while I'm washing the dishes that I realize, Dei didn't really answer Lily's question. Normally that is a good thing. These days however, it worries me. She has never been able to make promises she can't keep, especially to our daughter. It's one of her unbreakable rules.
And as the realization begins to sink in, all the hope that had begun to grow inside me---every single one —- died. Again.
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Author's note: Sorry for the delay in posting. Real life got in the way. Next update is on Monday, 2:30PM.
