It's been three hours since she last said anything to me. Maybe she's just tired. God knows I am. We have been fighting since she got back from wherever she last took off to last month.
She still won't tell me where she's been. She said all I need to know is that she's back and that she's ready to try again. That she's better. That she's determined to stick to the plan this time. She's ready to fight for us again. This time, she said, she's ready to be the wife that I deserve.
Here's the thing though, I don't know if I'm ready. God knows I love her. I will do anything for her. I can and will face anything head on to fight for her, for us. But I can't keep doing this... this thing we've been doing for the last four years.
It's a vicious cycle that takes so much out of us every single time we go through it and I'm not sure I can go another round. Just thinking about it now makes me want to rage at the world. The unfairness of it all. Why can't we just be happy like we used to be when we first promised to love each other forever? Why can't our lives ever be that simple again?
I look at her now, sitting there on our bed, dwarfed by our pillows and her favorite comforter. She looks so tiny, so vulnerable, so scared. Everything in me wants to rush over to her side and protect her. Make her be okay again. Love the fear and hopelessness out of her. But I can't do it. I'm too scared to move.
I feel like if I do, if I move, if I blink, she will run again. Away from me. Away from our life together. Away from Lily, our daughter who misses her mother so much.
I feel like if I so much as touch her, she will shatter. And she'll disappear right before my very eyes. I don't want that to happen when she only just got back.
I don't think I can survive losing Dei one more time.
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Author's note: Next update is on Friday, 2:30 PM
