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Introducing Me

This started off as talking about myself to a suicide hotline/ support group, I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just my trail of thoughts typed in and published. The next chapter will be me talking about a recent tragic experience.
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My hardship of a life isn't as hard as probably 99% of the world's population. Thankfully, I am not physically abused by my family, daddy didn't leave when I was only 2, I am not bullied at school, nor do I sit alone there (I think I have a very good amount of friends), I get great marks, even often the highest marks in class, I am not physically disable or ill in any way (I am only allergic to one thing), My family doesn't have financial problems. We are all healthy and wealthy.

So now you might think 'then what makes life hard for you?', and what I am going through is something alot of people go through no matter what their age is, and it is often regarded as something so minor, and people should just 'get over it' or 'live with it'. What I am talking about is emotional abuse. When people around you keep on putting you down, insult you, laugh at you when you are crying, shout at you for showing your feelings, tell you that you are useless even when you are trying your best to be productive, and the list goes on.

What hurts me the most is that this doesn't happen at school, so I can't ignore the people annoying me, or tell on them or anything. It happens from the closest people to me, my family.

And it is devastating to know that I can't just stay away from them. They are the reason why I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, money for my education, clothes to cover myself with. And it is just sad when they think that they can be over-controlling just because they offer financial support, and because they gave me the gift of life.

And quite frankly, thank you for the 'gift of life' but I don't want it. I don't want it when it is so shitty that I cry myslef to sleep almost everyday. I don't want it when I have to listen to your mean words every single day and I can't say anything back because I know when I do, everything will go to shit.

And sadly, even though I don't want it, I can't take it away. It's not because I am not brave enough to cut or to see blood. It's not because I am afraid that if I try to kill myself, it won't work and I will wake up the next day in a hospital, with my friends and family thinking that I'm a masochist psycho. And it is not because, if I don't succeed in killing myslef, I will be emotionally destructed because I just added another thing to my list of failures.

I can't take it simply because I am smart enough not to. I believe there's a better future, where I am going to be successful, and show everyone who ever told me that I'm a failure otherwise. I want to prove to them that they were wrong all the way.

If this is not a good enough reason for you not to attempt suicide, just think of one of the most simple reasons to live: music. Everytime I listen to a new song, I would think 'damn, this is a great song, I'm so glad I got to hear it before I die'

If you want ways to stop thinking about suicide (and these worked for me):
1) listen to songs until you calm down
2) read a book (not suicide related) until you calm down
3) talk to a friend about your problems, if you don't have friends, or you do but you either don't trust them with all of your secrets or you just feel that they won't understand or if you don't want to annoy them with your problems or if you feel that you talk to much about your problems and you don't want them to think of you as a drama queen, sensitive whiny person or if you just don't have access to talk to your friend (yoy don't go to the same school, your phone got taken away from you, you are grounded) then the best solution is to write, write on a paper/on your laptop or phone whatever is bothering you, write until you get tired of writing or until you run out of ideas, you don't know how theraputic this is, write in a '13 reasons why' way if you feel that you want to direct your words to someone or a group of people.
There was this one time I wrote 6 pages of things that were annoying me and not making me feel at ease. And to my surprise, these things I wrote never stayed at the back of my head reminding me of my constant misery. It felt like a heavy load was lifted off my chest.
After I finished writing these things, I didn't read them back, you just 'discarded' something from your brain, why would you want it to go back in?
As I am writing this, I am not even spell checking or proof reading, because reading what I'm writing all over again will only make me feel sad...
4) If you have suicidal tendicies, just stay away from anything that triggers them. I never cut before, nor will I ever.
Just look at your beautiful wrists, stomach, arms, thighs. Why would you want to scar these forever? Why would you want to bruise them even if the bruises will fade away?
You might be wondering 'What's so nice about skin?', and honestly, I don't know but your skin is something that you are going to live with forever, don't hurt it, it didn't hurt you, people around you hurt you, don't hate them nor hurt them either. What goes around comes around and trust me, karma exists.
Or you might think, but I'm fat and ugly, I hate my body and my skin. I've been there, I hated myself, I cried because I thought I was fat and ugly, because that was what my sister lead me to believe (even though now, I see myself 10 times prettier than her and her chicken legs), I used to calculate the calories of every bite i eat, I used to make myself run up and down the stairs at my home till I almost faint, I used to not eat for days to lose weight. And honestly all of this is bullshit, you will gain your weight back in a blink of an eye if you starve yourself, and when i lost weight my butt turned ugly and my skin sagged and it made my hate myself even more. Today, I am 56 kg which is ideal to my height, I have a body with flaws but I still admire, the only thing that I just can't get myself to like is my nose, I'm still working on trying to like that.
P.S.: I don't put makeup and I don't really have clear skin, but with time, I learned to accept that.
Changing up your style helps to boost your confidence, I started doing that this year and you don't even know the amount of compliments I receive every time I wear one of my outfits. Some are expensive, but most of them are very very cheap, ofcourse, you need to find the right style that fits you and reflects your personality (It took me a year of pinterest, a looking at fashion blogs, screenshotting outfits I liked in celebrities so I can wear something similar, and a year of saving up money) and it was well worth it.

I can't speak for coming out problems or insecurities, because I didn't go through these, I am 100% straight.
I would suggest you talk to someone who came out, or watch videos about coming out, and WAIT for the right time to come out, even if it means to stay in the closet for an extra few months. (My bisexual friend's parents were homophobic and in just 4 months of dropping hints and starting conversations with them about sexuality, they stopped being homophobic and accepted her sexuality as if nothing ever changed, if she came out before doing that, her life would be a living hell)

I didn't want to continue writing this, even though i only updated the first chapter a few hours ago, but when i saw it already had 10 views, it made me think these 10 people searched for #suicide and found my story (and this broke my heart), I couldn't just not continue it because maybe 1 of these 10 people really needed something like this.