Through the Lens

Ready

I walked over and kissed Soph, who was sleeping soundly in Ryan's arms.

"I'll see you soon, baby girl. Don't grow too much." I said as I gently rubbed her cheek. "Auntie loves you."

I stepped back, taking one more deep breath as I reached down and picked up my back pack, slinging it over my shoulder as I prepared to leave.

"Well...I guess this is it." I sighed. "I love you all, take care of each other." I said, my voice cracking as I spoke.

"Good luck, bug." Ryan smiled.

I shot them one more smile and a small wave before I turned and entered the security area, looking back to see them all wave one more time before they turned to leave. I watched as they got smaller and smaller before they disappeared into the crowd of people, and I felt the tears start to roll down my face as I did my best to stay somewhat composed.

I took a few deep breaths and got it together, trying to regain the strength I knew I needed to face Harry, as I made my way through security and eventually got onto the plane. I put my earbuds in and turned on my ipod, hoping music could offer me the escape I needed from realizing what I was actually about to do. We were about to take off when I finally felt a sense of relief wash over me, along with a slight bit of relaxation.

I'd said goodbye to my family without completely falling apart, and the first part of my difficult day was behind me. I knew I could do this, I could tell Harry how I felt and leave on this journey with a clear head, knowing that he was hopefully waiting for me when I got back. I wanted that comfortable silence that we'd agreed upon before he left, that we had yet to actually accomplish. I wanted to leave with him knowing that I loved him, and that I'd be thinking about him and counting the days until we could be together. I wanted him to make his album knowing where we stood and that when it was all over I'd be waiting for him.

The three-hour flight seemed to take way less time than I needed it to, the minutes counting down to the moment when I had to actually face Harry and my feelings for him. I was terrified, but had a strange sense of excitement at seeing him and actually getting the words out. I was about to do something I'd never done before, and I was proud of myself that I didn't seem to be completely freaking out.

I got off the plane and made my way through customs, stepping out into the warm Californian air as I hailed a taxi and instructed the driver to take me to the restaurant Harry and I had agreed to meet at. Apparently, the owner was a friend of his and he had arranged for us to have a private meal where we wouldn't be bothered. I stared out the window as the sun hit my face, the palm trees passing me by as we drove down the crowded freeway.

I'd been to LA before a couple of times, my dad bringing Ryan and I down to go to Disneyland as kids and a couple of times as I got older with friends, but it had a completely different meaning to me now. I wondered how many times Harry had driven those streets, if they felt like home to him or how well he knew his way around, if he was even able to drive them without people following him like they did in Hawaii. We'd decided to meet at the restaurant to avoid the photographers at the airport, and I was thankful I was able to have such a peaceful arrival.

I was surprised how calm I felt, it was almost as if I could feel his presence as I looked out the window and knew he was out there in the city somewhere. I was still nervous to talk to him, but I finally reached a point where I felt like it was a good thing, like he would reciprocate my feelings and maybe things would work out for us. It felt like the beginning, a fresh start, where we were open and honest and could leave things on a positive note the way we hadn't been able to the first time.

I pulled up to the restaurant and paid the cab driver, thanking him as I got out and went inside. I'd done my best to dress nicely since I knew I was seeing Harry, but I also needed to be comfortable for the plane and my arrival in Peru that was bound to be hot. I'd worn a pair of white shorts and a nicer tank top with a pair of sandals, and left my hair down in loose waves. I never wore much make up, which worked well for me since most of it would have been destroyed from crying. I made my way to the bathroom to make sure I didn't look like a total mess before I came back out and made my way over to ask for a table.