Through the Lens

Of Course

"I uh, I'm sorry if it's a bad time, I-"

"I always have time for you, Hails. You know that." He said, the sincerity in his voice making me feel like everything was normal, like we hadn't spent the past three weeks avoiding each other.

Part of me wanted to make small talk and pretend nothing had even happened, as if I hadn't broken his heart the day he left, but I think we both knew where pretending things were fine had gotten me in the past.

"How are you?" I asked. "I've been thinking about you a lot, wondering how your album is coming."

"It's uh, it's good." He answered as I heard him shuffling on the other end of the phone, sounding like he'd gone into another room and shut a door behind him. "I've kinda been trying to throw myself into it to distract myself from how much I miss you."

A pang of guilt shot through me at his words, but I was happy he'd been able to get started and had it to distract him. I knew all to well how much a distraction like that would have helped me in the past few weeks.

"I do, Hails. I miss you so much." He sighed. "I don't know if I'm supposed to say that, or if that's okay, I just...I do."

"I miss you too, Haz." I sighed. "I wanna say I'm sorry...I'm so sorry for the way everything happened. I never wanted to hurt you."

My words started to catch in my throat as I spoke, and I prayed I wouldn't start crying and make an idiot out of myself. Harry was silent on the other end of the phone, so I took that as a sign to continue.

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to apologize, I know I haven't been fair to you. I know that I pushed you away, and I know it wasn't just the day you left, I did it all summer. You were honest and open with me about your feelings and I just pushed you away. I didn't even realize I was doing it...I've just really been trying to do some thinking and I know I need to figure that out for myself, I just really hope I haven't ruined our friendship over it." I sighed, wanting his forgiveness but not sure if I deserved it.

"Look Hails, I know I sprung everything on you as I was leaving, and it was probably a lot to take in and I'm sure that was a dick move on my part. I am in love with you, I do wanna be with you, but it was unfair of me to put it on you like that. These past three weeks have been fucking hell for me, and if there's one thing I've realized it's just that I want my best friend back. I don't wanna have to wonder if it's okay to call you or text you, I don't wanna have to ask everyone else how you're doing. I fucking hate it when something cool happens and I feel like I can't tell you about it."

"I hate it too." I sighed. "I don't know what the future holds for us, but right now we both have to do what we have to do. I just don't want this weirdness hanging over us anymore, I can't take it."

"I'm just gonna say this once, because I feel like I have to, and then I won't bring it up again. I just want you to know that I meant what I said, I love you and I'm not giving up on us. If you're not ready that's fine, I'll wait as long as I have to, because you're worth it to me. I just need to know that there's a chance, that one day if things align and we're both in that place that there's a chance we can be together. If there isn't, I need you to tell me. If it's never gonna happen it's gonna kill me but I have to know, if we're never gonna be anything more than friends I need you to just say it."

I swallowed hard, his words making my heart pound in my chest, my entire body starting to shake at the realization that he was making me say it out loud. He was gonna make me face the fact that I wanted to be with him, that he was what I wanted, that I loved him the same way he loved me. He must have noticed my hesitance, because he clarified before I could answer him.