Fix you • Chanbaek

eleven • what's a soulmate?

It was the first time Chanyeol heard Baekhyun talking about something he really loved. He could hear Baekhyun's admirement towards his brother, and his love and devotion.

And Chanyeol too knew how it felt to love a sibling like that, and he didn't know if he could handle the loss like Baekhyun.

"He wanted to become a doctor. An... An oncologist."

His voice cracked a little and Chanyeol thought that he was crying, but when he looked at him he saw that the smaller's eyes were completely dry.

"Is that why you want to become a doctor? To make his dream come true?" Chanyeol asked.

"Partly." Baekhyun admitted. "But it's mostly because I want to help people who suffer the way he did. Because no one deserves to die like that. Completely... Helpless."

"Baekhyun... I'm so sorry." Chanyeol whispered, not knowing what to say to a boy who contained so many closeted feelings inside himself. So much disappointment, so many unspoken words that he had locked inside, thinking that he needed to stay strong for sake of his parents and a promise given to his brother. And doing so, he started hurting himself. There was still that child in him that soundlessly screamed and cried , wanting to be heard, but Baekhyun shut it in, pushing it back in the furthest parts of his mind.

Baekhyun's knuckles turned white as he tangled his fingers, his grip tightening. His gaze was directed in front of himself, and instead of sadness Chanyeol could see all those mixed feelings that Baekhyun had been dealing with for the past 10 months. Anger for injustice. Disappointment for being left behind. Disgust for being treated like a piece of meat not a half an hour earlier.

"But I didn't deserve it either, you know? He left, and I'm the one who stayed. I'm the one... who has to live day by day and handle the fact that he'll never come back."

Chanyeol wondered if he was the first one who heard this from Baekhyun. The first one Baekhyun had been honest with and decided to share what was tearing him down over and over again.

Chanyeol had passed through fucked up things himself, but he couldn't even imagine how Baekhyun must've felt.

If Chanyeol had lost his sister, he would probably lock himself up inside the house for months.

But that small and at first sight fragile boy that sat beside him didn't prove that he was actually strong only with his serves, but with his incredible mental strength.

He maybe did cut himself out of the social world, but what else could you expect from someone that lost a half of himself?

He was damaged, and people like Jimin only made those cracks bigger and harder to put back together.

He made it harded for people like Chanyeol who fix him.

"And if you didn't come and save me earlier... It would have destroyed me. I don't think there would be anything in this world worth living for anymore."

Baekhyun hugged his knees tight, pressing them to his chest. His whole body was trembling, like he tried his best not to cry.

"Baek, it's okay to cry sometimes." Chanyeol said softly.

"No. If I start, it will only break me more."

It was true. The only and last time he had cried after Kyungsoo's death, was when he started talking to him again using the headphones. After their conversation had ended, he spent hours crying because after all, it was an illusion. A trick. Maybe Kyungsoo's voice was real, but eventually, it would be gone too. It gave him false hope, hope in something that could never happen.