Oneshots | Ryden

What We Do Is Love

Summary: Ryan plans weddings.

“No.” Ryan Ross doesn’t have time for this. It’s not even on his schedule, actually, and he barely has time for the things that are on it: the doggy spa for his Pomeranian (Pete), a mani/pedi at the people spa next door, eleven minutes at the newsstand picking up his favorites, a dress fitting with Brad Pitt’s cousin, the list goes on and on. Nowhere on it is ‘plan a gay wedding.’ “I don’t do gays,” he says, ignoring the fact that he is gay and does do gays all the time. “Nobody wears a dress, Brendon. I can’t plan a wedding without the dress. My firm is called Traditional Elegance for a reason, you know.”

This is the thirteenth gay couple Ryan has rejected in the last seven months though, and Brendon keeps saying he’s afraid that Out magazine is literally going to turn on them any minute now, snarling like a pack of ravening wolves. Ryan says Brendon should know, since he was apparently raised by just that sort.

“They’re really nice,” Brendon says soothingly. He’s fidgeting like he’d rather bubble and enthuse, but Ryan made him go to a voice coach to learn how to speak melodically. There's just no place for shrieking in their offices; the only shrillness Ryan will tolerate is from Pete or one of his brides.

Ryan brushes a microscopic bit of lint off his lapel (Brendon is pretty sure that the lint, in Ryan’s mind at least, looks exactly like two men in tuxedos) and glances disinterestedly at the folder in Brendon’s hand. “Nice is great, really. Is one of them nice and a woman?”

“Well, no. But one of them is pretty like a girl.”

“Pretty enough to wear a wedding gown, maybe?” Ryan also turns down weddings that would take place on water-skis, in the midst of something tacky like sky-diving or, worse, hanging oneself from hooks and body piercings. Additionally, if the bride is ugly. Ryan absolutely cannot abide an unattractive bride. What would that even look like in his portfolio?

Brendon just opens the folder to the photo of the couple and taps his forefinger above their smiling faces. And, ok, they’re both exceptionally attractive and, when he looks close, the prettier one appears to be wearing girl’s jeans. Ryan can maybe, maybe work with this. “I can maybe work with this,” he admits grudgingly. “But I’m not committing. They have to come in for a prospective client interview. And if that goes well, I have to go to their house, and if I spot a single piece of rainbow paraphernalia, I am getting a restraining order.”

*** 

The first meeting goes well and the home visit even better. Jon and Spencer’s house is tastefully decorated with a mix of woods and fabrics that are durable but also beautiful. Ryan thinks Jon looks durable but also beautiful, though it’s Spencer who really catches his fancy. Spencer glows with good grooming and inner bitchiness. He’s like a hand-embroidered, raw silk throw pillow, all buffed nails and carefully coordinated clothes. Ryan wants to steal him away and buy him a little carrying case like Pete’s and put little shirts on him. A sweater vest, maybe. 

Even better, neither Jon nor Spencer does anything on the list of Things You May Do In A Trailer Park, But Not In The Presence of Ryan Ross. Things like calling each other Poopsie and Snickerdoodle or playing foot-wrestling games or mentioning any poor and/or mentally ill relations. Food items are served looking as though they’ve never come in contact with disposable dishware, the tea is perfect and English, and when Pete humps Jon’s leg, Jon just laughs softly and scratches him between the ears.

Ryan beams proudly and places his teacup into its saucer with a delicate clink, easing the whole set onto the (antique, if he’s not mistaken) table next to him. “There are just a few questions I need to get out of the way,” he says serenely. “Most of them I’d like to discuss with the two of you as a couple, but there is an important query or two I need to make of you individually, so Jon, if you’ll excuse us?” He says it regally, as though it’s perfectly acceptable to dismiss a man from his own home, and Jon stands without a fuss. Ryan could kiss Jon Walker. He’s the perfect groom.