Beating Heart

Gloomy Days

What's wrong with me? Paulit-ulit ko 'tong tinatanong sa aking sarili. I've been asking this question for the past hour to myself.

Hindi ito ang unang beses na nakaramdam ako ng kalungkutan, pero ito ang unang beses na labis ang epekto ng kalungkutan sa akin.

Whenever I find myself feeling lonely, I try to do something that will lift my spirits. Hindi ako 'yung tipo na dadamdamin ang nararamdaman ko. That's why at this point, I was left questioning myself. This is not me. This is not Nadine Jean Arber Williams.

"Fucking tears," nangangalaiti kong bulong habang pilit kong pinupunasan ang aking pisngi.

For the past few days, I felt dispirited. I tried doing different activities. Val would talk to me 24/7. Pero para bang hindi sapat ang lahat ng 'yon at natatagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong nalulungkot at nasasaktan sa rason na hindi ko maipaliwanag. It was as if I lost someone important to me.

It appeared like I was getting closer to figuring out what had caused my sudden emotional outburst, but the truth is that I was struggling identifying what was wrong with me.

I attempted disregarding the vision and voices, pero sa tuwing ginagawa ko 'yon ay may kung ano sa puso ko ang tila pinipiga sa sakit. The more I attempt to forget, the more it impacts me kahit na hindi naman dapat.  

Tiningnan ko ang panyo ni Rupert na ngayon ay nasa bedside table ko. I remember asking him if he'd seen the vision but he told me he didn't. Kung gano'n, saan 'yon nanggaling? Sometimes, I hate how my brain works. It's making me question things na nauuwi sa 'di maubos-ubos kong isipin.

If this were a broken puzzle, I'd say the reason I couldn't put this whole thing together was because a crucial piece was missing. And I need to figure that out. What I'm going through at the moment would make no sense without that critical piece. 

Nakatitig lamang ako bintana habang pirming nakaupo sa upuan ng study table ko. Bukod sa nalulungkot, bakit may kung anong umuusbong na galit ang unti-unting kong nararamdaman? Ito ang unang beses na hindi ko mahagilap ang aking sarili. I was lost in the middle of an unknown labyrinth of questions and bewilderment.

From: Liam

Nadz, can you please pick up the phone?

May nangyari ba sayo? Were you harassed? I told you not to move there.

If you don't want to answer my calls, can you at least respond to my messages? I'm worried sick about you.

Walang emosyon kong tinitigan ang mga text messages ni Liam sa akin. It's been days since I messaged him, telling him I needed some time to ponder and reflect on myself. Ayokong humarap sa kanya sa ganitong estado. 

He'd be able to know something's wrong with me just by looking at me and I don't want him to worry about things that he shouldn't be concerned about. Ayokong usisain niya ako sa bagay na kahit ako ay 'di ko kayang ipaliwanag.