Stillness

Chapter 9- Another Beginning

I rush forward, and kneel next to Catarina.

I put my hand on Willow's neck to find a pulse. I can't.

I place my hand over her nose to see if there is any breath. None.

Catarina looks at me with her stormy blue eyes filled with hope. I shake my head. She collapses into a fit of tears. I wrap my arms around her and she cries. Why is it always like this? I know that you're supposed to support each other through thick and thin, but how many times will one of us have to stay strong while the other melts into a pool of emotions? All these weights might be creating a bond between us, but is it really what we need? I wish I could cry along with Catarina, but that's not what she needs. I hold her tight, my eyes blur with tears, but only one escapes. I hold the rest back for not only the sake of her, but me also. If I cry, I might never stop. So I don't, and am not planning on it.

We only have limited time today. We can only spare a single hour. I wish we could stay here longer. I pull away from Catarina and help her up. The proper thing would be to bury Willow. We unpack two small shovels and search for a place to dig. We wonder around until we find the perfect spot. Under a willow tree.

Parker and Joey get started on the grave. Thinking that it is too much to bear for her, I lead Catarina away. We look around for flowers. We all found a substitute headstone already. A million thoughts about her death go through my mind, but now isn't the time to get answers. I just focus in the task at hand. We pull out any and every flower we find. The final bouquet is small and bright, just like her. Willow's thin frame was packed with such happiness and imagination. Enough to make you smile just in her presence.

I can see that Catarina has wiped the tears off her face, but still won't look me in the eye. I walk up to her and push her chin up.

Her eyes finally meet mine and I kiss her briefly. Just enough to put the gleam back into her eyes. I can see that she turns up the corners of her mouth slightly. I kiss her again, but this time for longer. And when we break she is smiling. Not a full teeth smile, but still a smile. I grab her hand and we walk back. The boys have finished the hole and planted the stone.

Catarina stands by the edge clutching the bouquet so hard that her knuckles are turning white. I walk over to Willow and scoop up her fragile body into my arms. Slowly I walk over to the hole. I stand by the edge. I don't want to drop her in, so I climb cautiously into the dusty grave. I set her down. Her face is expressionless.

Catarina hands me half of the bouquet. I place it in her hands and arrange her arms to look like she just fell asleep holding a bunch of flowers she had freshly picked.

I climb out and stand by Catarina. Parker throws the first scoop of dirt down, followed by Joey.

I hear Catarina whisper, "Goodbye baby," before she buries her head into my chest.

We all pull it together and continue our walk. We have a deadline to meet. Right now it's only Willow being buried, but if we don't move, it could be all of us. As much as it is killing me to pry Catarina away I still do it. I have an idea on how to let Catarina have a way to remember this, but still forget it. But it'll have to wait until tonight.

We all walk with our head down. No one dare talks for everyone is still tender. I am itching to know what happened, but I'm sure Catarina will tell me in the mean time when she's ready.

Just silence, for the next miles. Even when we set up camp. Silence is eating away at us again. We broke the ice just days ago, now we retreating behind the wall, having it close all over again.

We make a fire, make dinner, then put out the fire. We are just going through the motions again. But I don't want that to happen. We need each other for what lies ahead. We can't just shut each other out. I can feel Catarina starting to build up a wall to part us and her. But I need to break it down before she finishes building it.

I sit outside until the fire ashes have cooled. It is around ten at night, but the lighting would suggest that it is maybe around five. I grab a cooled coal and a piece of paper. Back in Fortune I took art classes. I think I could call myself good. I start sketching with the coal on the paper. I remember the image of Willow's grave, down to the littlest detail. I sketch, smudge, and darken lines all over the page. They meld together creating the look of a black and white photograph. It looks just like the site. I hope this will help her. Over time she might forget the sight of it, even if she doesn't want to. We don't have a camera, so this is my best substitute.

I walk over to the old olive green tent that I share with Catarina, and used to with Willow.

I see Catarina huddled in a corner looking at the ground to her left. She is zoned into her own world, trying to protect herself from all that is coming down. I climb next to her, onto the small blanket. She doesn't notice me so I place my hand on her shoulder gently. Her skin is warm, and soft to the touch. She jumps a little, but then settles down. She looks at me, her eyes filled with sadness. But her face is attempting a smile. I slide the drawing over the gray tarp tent bottoms. She picks it up and smiles, genuinely.

"So you can visit her anytime," I softly say to her.

She stares at it for awhile, absorbing the whole thing.

"You did this?" she asks.

"Of course," I say with a smile.

"Thanks," she says, and snuggles into me. Tiredness of crying gets the better of her. We always end up in these situations, but we will get over it all.

"Goodnight," I whisper to her.

She turns around and kisses me. I kiss her back. I feel the heat again, it is now becoming a feeling that I am used to. She is amazing, and I love her. It took a world disaster to bring us this close, but yet it feels like it was meant to be.

"I love you," she says, almost as if she read my mind. I guess that's how it works, she knows what I need to hear.

"I love you too," I say, right before she closes her eyes, and her breath steadies. She's asleep.

I close my eyes and fall asleep with the heat of her next to me, and her breath lulling me to sleep.