An Imperial Affliction

Miracles

Albert Einstein once said that there were only two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other as though everything is a miracle. I am still trying to decipher which kind of life I live; if any at all.

My passion falls away at the hands of my thoughts. Spitting up the poison of a little girl who wants to live. It is almost like everything I do is blunted by the notion that nothing actually matters. Not for me. Not for anyone else around me. And with these impressions constantly attacking anything I try to touch and the fact that I always shrink away has led me to come to this conclusion.

I am selfish.

I don't want to be this way. I comfort myself by saying that this whole thing was inevitable. That the predestination that made me like this couldn't possibly allow me to change. But I can't go on lying anymore. There is a part of me that will never quite be healed. I am small and there will be nights when that realization will eat away at me, gnawing at what is left of my body.

This will never be okay. I know it and I will never pretend that is. Desiring to exist does not make me selfish. It merely makes me human. What makes me selfish is watching everything around me fall to pieces because I have decided that my effort is futile. I want to be brave. And at the same time, I need people to know that I am scared and angry, but I choose to go on anyway. I can brood over the injustice of my being and then die or I can take this life by the throat and do something.

Honestly, I prefer the latter. So, let's keep doing what we can and still attempting what we cannot.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a week since my visit to the hospital and though I couldn't be any less enthusiastic to have see Doctor Langford and be forced to ponder on things I would rather forget, all I can think about is Nepheratarie. Now, don't get me wrong. Doctor Langford isn't a horrible person. I appreciate everything he has done for me and I can even forgive him for his plastic smiles and passive attitude. I think he is just tired and why shouldn't he be?

My mom is in a good mood today. Almost everyday these past few weeks actually and I know why too.

I listen to the engine of the car on the way. I think that these are the rides that are the hardest for my mother. At home, she can distract herself from the world lost in her garden or with Dael. But here, on these rides I can tell that the silence gets to her. I can see it rip her apart. It starts at her mouth. The thought of our destination and our purpose for going there slowly pulls the smile from her lips. Then it washes over her eyes and she is gone. For her sake, I act like I don't notice, but I see her. I see her everyday.

I think Carolyn could see the anticipation on my face.

"Honey...," she says.

"Yes, mom?"

"I want you to stay out of this whole Pretarie thing alright?"

I knew what she was talking about and I struggled to shove my anger back down to the pit of my stomach where it belonged.

"Her name is Nephertarie." I replied crisply.

"Right. Just, Anna...I can't have you-"

"Have me what, mother?! Why are we even discussing this?"

"Anna just listen to me alright!? I know that you want to help her, but it just isn't your place. I don't want you to get involved in that. Some things are beyond our control and there isn't anything that we can do about it. I can't have you going around, giving that poor little girl false hope and making a fool of yourself. You are to stay away from that whole mess and if you happen to see her- mind you, I said happen- to see her, of course you can say hello or whatever if she still remembers you, but that is all. Do you understand me?"