in too deep | Rewriting

01| E v e l y n

you are gonna mess up real bad today

She dreaded that voice that spoke in her brain. It was the same voice that constantly weighed her down, building up low self-esteem in her, day by day, making her bitter and hard on herself. Self–critical, vengeful, angry. Always double guessing everything she did.

The voice was constantly telling her she would mess up things, she would never be able to fulfil her plans, her dreams. That she was incapable, she lacked confidence. It hashed out all the self-depreciation one can lash out at oneself.

She had to go through the struggle between her normal self and the self her anxiety brought in her every moment. It was like standing in the middle and being stretched by two people from opposite sides.

Anxiety didn't only speak inside her head. Sometimes the stress got too much to carry, it gave an outburst of emotion that Evelyn had come to know as an anxiety attack. And she still remembered the first ever anxiety attack she had, what was worse, she was at school at that time.

Having an anxiety attack, felt like she could not breathe anymore. She would burst into fits of tears, her heart would beat fast. She would feel broken to the core, like there was nothing could fix it.

What hurt Evelyn most was the reaction people had when they heard about her anxiety disorder. She had a friend in the previous school she used to attend; not a friend, actually an acquaintance to whom Evelyn had confessed, "I think, I have anxiety."

She first raised her eyebrow and dismissed it with a laugh. But when she realized Eve was serious, she said, "Oh, c'mon, Evelyn, you of all people, nah. Anxiety is not even a problem. Everyone is anxious about things in one way or another. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You are pretty, you get good grades, and I don't think you have any financial concerns either. It doesn't suit you. Besides, there are bigger issues in life you can think about, like your future. Just stop overthinking, k?"

Eve really wished she could stop thinking, once and for all. That incident fashioned her insecurities, made her keep to herself; her thoughts, her anxiety, all locked up in a box inside her soul to not be opened ever again. At least no one knew her in this new place, no connection to the princess she once was nor the quiet girl she later became.

This time, everything will be alright.

Oh, you wish.

But what could possibly go wrong? She was in her senior year of high school, just a year until graduation, until she was an adult. She would be back in New York with her best friends Cecily and Gus, hopefully would be going off together to study in NYU. She had to wait only a year and everything will become normal again.

A lot could go wrong in a year.

Evelyn had no idea how to stop this nagging thoughts threatening her peace. Her phone buzzed, it was as if the universe wanted her to have a break because the caller was Cecily, the only person in this whole world who knew how to handle her in such situations. Although she had no idea what precisely was wrong with Evelyn.

"Hello," Evelyn said, and from the other end Cecily's voice could be heard.

"Hey, good morning. First day of senior year, huh?" Cecily asked.

"Well, I'm not feeling so good," Evelyn could truly tell her what was going on. She was really grateful that she had Cecily.

"Ok, Evelyn, not again. We are gonna solve this, alright?" She replied, jumping in to minimize Eve's catastrophic thoughts.

"Yes, hopefully," Evelyn's voice cracked.

"Listen to me. You are gonna do just fine. Only one year left, then you will be here with me. You are gonna rock this year, you are gonna kick the asses of all the demons inside you and come out fresh and happy. You will be absolutely fine. Now, breathe."