Regal [h.s au]

47. Blame

"There were dozens of them, they killed all of the soldiers protecting our son and almost killed your father! They attacked our home and killed our child, and you have the audacity to blame me for it? You know damn well we had to leave him behind, you just need someone to blame like you always do. I was his mother and I loved him more than anything! Every single day when I wake up I wish I could trade my life for his, but I can't, all I have is emptiness and pain. I lost him too, Harry, but you are too absorbed into your pain, your sense of guilt, your stupid revenge to see it! I lost him too!"

Something in Harry's angry expression changes and he takes a step forward, but I recoil back and put my hands out to stop him. "Don't touch me." I wipe away my tears, but they keep falling. "I don't want to be near you right now."

His shoulders slump and he sighs, frustrated, annoyed, angry all at once. "Listen, Amelia-"

"Shut up!" I snap. "I loved you, Harry, I loved you so much. We could have gone through this together, share our pain and heal. Slowly, but it would happen. But you decided it was better to punish me for something no one could control, something so terrible and unfair, and push me away. I don't love you anymore, I don't love this horrible person you are now."

Harry pales and his eyes close as if he's in physical pain while I walk towards the door and unlock it, leaving quickly. I inhale a lungful of air while running away, my tears spilling down my cheeks. I am grateful he doesn't follow me, I cannot bear to even look at him at the moment. When I reach my room, I fall down on my knees, allowing myself to release a bit of this unbearable pain, knowing I won't be able to sleep tonight.

👑👑👑

"Thank you for joining me. Sit, dear." Henry motions to a chair opposite of his at the table in his cabin, the breakfast set on top of it looking delicious, but I'm not hungry.

Silently, I pull the chair out and lower myself on it, clasping my hands in my lap and blankly staring down at them. I can feel his gaze on me, perhaps he is waiting for me to speak, but I don't think I can. My voice must sound terrible after all the crying from last night.

"Amelia, look at me," he softly demands. Reluctantly, I lift my tired eyes. As I do so, I notice empathy flash over his features, a quiet sigh expelling from his mouth. "I heard what happened last night."

"Harry told you?" I ask, my tone flat and detached.

He shakes his head. "No, I actually heard it."

"I don't really wish to talk about it. We had a discussion, that's all. Allow me to excuse myself, I am not hungry. Thank you for inviting me, your Majesty." The chair scrapes against the floorboards as I push it back.

"I think you did a good thing last night with telling him off," he calmly speaks, my eyebrows scrunching in confusion slightly. "He needed to hear that, he deserved it in my opinion."

"I don't think he's good for you at the moment," he continues when I stay silent. "My son, he... he's not the same person, but you are aware of that. Pain sometimes hardens people's hearts and they become cold, ruthless. Partly, I understand him. And I understand he needs someone to blame, but his anger is directed at the wrong people. I don't understand his behaviour with you, I can't."

"I don't understand it either. But neither of us can because he's not the same Harry, we don't know him anymore. This person doesn't care about anyone, not even himself. He only cares about getting revenge without caring whom he hurts in the process."

Henry leans onto his elbows on the table, covering his face for a moment. "I guess it's his way of dealing with the pain he's feeling."

"I know you want to justify his actions somehow, you are his father after all and you love him. But you don't see me doing what he does. I'm not talking about what he does to the men linked to Adam's death, but how he treats me. And you, Niall, anyone. With no respect and no regard for our feelings whatsoever. I've given him plenty of time to grieve, but I won't tolerate it anymore." I frown, noticing how my hands have tightened into fists.

"This is all my fault." Running both of his hands through his brown locks, he releases a heavy sigh, a guilty expression on his face. "I said I would look after Adam and I failed to keep my word. Now he is dead and I am alive while it should have been the other way around. I can only hope you shall find it in your heart to forgive me one day, I know I won't ever be able to forgive myself."

I shake my head, rejecting his words. "You tried, Henry, I know you did. There was a time I blamed you, I must admit, but it was because I was so filled with rage and hopeless. It isn't your fault, you did your best. You are alive by pure luck and I am happy because of that."

Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me, but I notice moisture in his blue eyes as he musters a smile. "I always knew employing you wasn't a mistake. Now tell me, what is going to happen with Harry and you once we reach the shore? The journey ends in a few days."

"Like you said, he's not good for me. Maybe I'm not good for him either considering how bitter I make him. He blames me... you know what, it doesn't matter." Without another word, I stand up and curtsy, quickly leaving his cabin.

I instantly walk towards the railing and grip it, my lips parting as I breathe deeply. Somehow knowing he is near, I look over my shoulder, seeing him watching me. Harry is standing near the railing on the other, not removing his heavy gaze from me. His expression is typically emotionless and his posture is rigid, warning you to stay away.

I hate it how I used to know what he thinks and how he feels; he was always so transparent and approachable. I hate how I get nervous every time he is around, I hate how I never know how is he going to react. What remained of my heart breaks each time it happens because this is not my Harry anymore. I wanted to think it is, that there is still that gentle and kind prince in there somewhere beneath that harsh exterior, but now I must accept he died along with Adam. He died the moment we buried him. I lost them both, I see it now.

Harry used to be afraid of the real world and the darkness it contains and now he's become a part of it, a perfect fit.

I hear his light footsteps behind me once I turn ahead. "Don't come near." His footsteps halt immediately. "There is nothing you can say to make this any better if that's what you want. I don't care about your justifications either."

He is so close, I can feel it. I can hear his breathing, almost feel the heat radiating off him. He says nothing, just keeps standing behind me, my hold on the railing tightening. My breath hitches in my throat as I feel the faintest brush of his hand or just fingertips over my curls before he steps away, his quick stomping gradually fading as he leaves.

My eyes close as I listen to the light swooshing of the waves and an occasional shout from some of the crew members. Considering we sent Captain Jones away to give the troops back at home our message, Henry, Niall, and sometimes I take care of the duties a captain usually takes care of. Today is Niall's turn.

Letting myself drift away, I daydream about my home. I daydream about my family and happier times. Something in my chest tightens when I remember how different Harry and I were when we started our journey and how there are barely any remains of those people now. The only thing that hasn't changed is our mutual desire to retrieve his kingdom and considering the enormous heartbreaking cost it took for us to get closer to fulfilling it, there is nothing that can stop us now. There are no more doubts holding either of us back, especially Harry; we are ready to do whatever it takes and won't stop until there is a crown on his head.

Perhaps then, I will be able to find peace and feel happiness again.