Love Marks and Hate Marks (Troyler)

Forever and Always

Troye's POV

I woke up in Tyler's arms.
It's not the most uncomfortable place to wake up, but seeing as we were just friends, and I was really shy, I tried to silently squirm away, to no avail.
Tyler tightened his grip on me, breathing huskily,"Stay here."
I couldn't tell if he was awake or not, but my face still turned pink. Nonetheless, I lowered myself back into the little Troye shaped nook in Tyler's arms and the blankets.
Imagining this before, (And I had imagined this before; guilty pleasures), I imagined that I'd feel stiff and awkward. But laying here now was the best feeling in the world, like a high of Tyler Oakley, and I didn't want it to end. So what if Tyler didn't love me back? Couldn't I have this moment of bliss, to close my eyes and pretend everything is okay when it's not?
Tyler's eyelashes tickled my cheek as they fluttered open."What's wrong, bae?"
I smiled at him, burying myself in his embrace and letting myself be happy for this moment."Absolutely nothing."

* * *

When I woke up again, Tyler's warmth was gone. I groaned, reaching for something to help lift myself from the abyss that was the couch. A tingling feeling shot up my arm as a hand wrapped in mine, pulling me up.
"Ngh . . . what time is it?"
"Seven o'clock at night, gurl, and it is time to do something fun. We're going clubbing with Hannah and Mamrie tonight! Zalfie won't be here until tomorrow, but my homegirls are plenty fun."
I groaned, stretching and yawning. Tyler ruffled my hair.
"Stop being so cute TroyeSivan."
I felt my face grow pink and reminded myself that it was just part of Tyler's nature to be flirtatious. Trying to hide my blush, I trudged to the bathroom for a quick shower.
As I pulled off my warm shirt, I faced the mirror, scared of what I'd see when the fabric covering my eyes was thrown to the floor.
Indeed, what I saw was terribly ugly. I was white, white as snow. All except for the disgusting red abbrasions carved into my upper body. No one would ever want me, much less love me.
I was overweight. I don't know why people tell me I'm skinny. My lower stomach jutted out, and my arms were huge. Nothing about my body pleased me. This was one of the many reasons I cut. To prove that this vile thing could never be shown to another person.
My eyes were pulled like a magnet to my duffel bag. Why did I bring it? Why did I do anything, ever? But I needed it. I was getting lost in my vicious, nasty thoughts and it was scaring me. Yearningly, I snatched open the side zipper and pulled out my razor.
I needed this. To remind myself that I can feel. That I'm still human.
My palms are sweaty. I'm losing myself in my thoughts again, and my hands begin to shake.
"Troye?"
There was a light knock on the bathroom door, and my blood froze. I didn't answer.
"Troye, please open the door. I'm getting worried."
I didn't move. Tyler couldn't see me like this. He didn't deserve that. To be scarred for life. I didn't deserve for him to give a damn about me.
"Troye, open up," Tyler said, more forcefully. I didn't know what to do. My own thoughts were hammering my brain and confusing me and scaring me. Who do I listen to?
Suddenly, the bathroom door is opened, and Tyler stands on the other side, looking extremely concerned. Fuck. I hadn't locked it.
"Oh, Troye. . . ." He said sadly, seeing the blade clutched tightly between my fingers. I hadn't even noticed it was slicing into my skin.
I sank to the floor, hugging my knees and sobbing, just wanting Tyler to go away. I was so pathetic. And I felt so completely ashamed.
I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders, and I sobbed even harder, wanting to let him hold me but knowing I shouldn't.
"Tilly . . . Tilly, I'm so sorry. . . ." I choked out.
"Shh, Troye," he played with my hair and spoke gently, lovingly."I'm here. It'll be okay. I'm here."
That's Tyler. That's why I love him so hopelessly. He doesn't ask why. He doesn't get revolted, or frightened. He doesn't have a panic attack. He just holds me and tells me what I so need to hear. He keeps me from getting lost in my horrible thoughts. He's my anchor.
I gave in and the blade clattered to the tile floor as I wrapped my arms around Tyler, desperately clinging to his shirt. I sobbed into his shoulder, not wanting him to ever leave.
"Don't let me go." I whispered."Stay with me, please."
"Forever and always."