Dear Mackenzie

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

"Zoey... Zoey... Zoey..." The voice of the shadow repeated my name. I opened my eyes wide and let go of him. I know that voice.

"Zoey..." He tried to pull me back into a hug again, but I slapped his arm away.

"I hate you, Jeremy! You killed my best friend!" My voice had risen to a shout.

"I'm not Jeremy, Zoey. I am Death."

"You... you can't be. You have his voice."

"People see me in different ways. I'm everything you fear."

"You killed my best friend. She was my only friend."

"I am not a killer. I only try to help the victims."

"You're a monster," I barely whispered.

"You will need me one day. Everyone does. Mackenzie did. Janie did."

"Shut up!!"

"You know it's true! You're going to eventually die, Zoey. Whether you like it or not. Mack did! She left you for me!" I crouched down and covered up my ears. His voice had risen to a shout. Not his voice- Jeremy's.

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I jolted awake.

It was just another nightmare... again. Every night I get a reminder that I could've saved Mack and now she isn't here because of my decisions. I usually push past it. I don't want to be depressed or see anyone depressed. Depression is like chains, it's impossible to break out of (unless you're Wonder Woman) and it never lets you go.

The last times I've woken up from a nightmare was when it was Mack's birthday and a few days when Janie had passed away. I was actually sleeping through the night.

Not tonight. I realized why.

I have to go to court today. I have to see Jeremy's face again, his eyes pleading for me to tell a little fib to get him a less-harsh consequence. Nobody wants to be in prison, after all.

I glanced over at the bright red alarm clock on the night stand. 4:28 A.M. No point in going back to sleep now. I picked up my diary and a pen from the drawer under the bed and started writing.

<Charlie>

I looked over at my old dresser, which used to hold all my favorite clothes and trophies as I had gotten as a kid. Those days were great. I was the happiest child around. No homework, no drama, no stress, no pain, no misery. How I wish I could relive those days.

My trophies are hidden away in my closet, my clothes surrounding my bed. Knives and junk food and vodka replace my favorite plaid shirt and my MVP baseball award.

"Clean up your room," I said to myself. "Put down that knife and go outside. You can't let depression take over you like it did to Aunt Janie. Live a normal teenage life." The thought about Aunt Janie brought tears to my eyes, again.

I brought the knife up to my left wrist and made one straight line. I watched as the blood oozed from my cut, a deep crimson color. I didn't care. It gave me this feeling, it just... makes me feel like all my stress was slowly fading away and bringing this new feeling. I knew I would regret doing this later though. And I know Zoey or my uncle wouldn't approve of this either.

Why did I just have to be so... depressed?

I picked up my iPhone to check the time. 5:34 A.M. I noticed that I had many unread texts, majority of them were from Bryan and Lance asking of my whereabouts. One from my crazy ex. One from Zoey. And the rest from classmates telling me depression is wrong and I should come back to school.

If only they could understand.

I heard a light knock at the door. I knew it was Zoey, she would never pound on the door. It's like she doesn't want to hurt the door. I will never understand how she can be so gentle yet strong.

"Charlie?" She asked, her beautiful voice at a whisper.

"Go away, Zoey," I said, pulling my sweatshirt over my head. I had to hide my skin, just in case she looks inside. I couldn't let a person so caring and friendly see what I've done.

"Can I come in, Charlie? I want to see you."

"No!" I snapped. "Just leave me alone, Zoey! I don't want to talk to you! You don't understand me and you never will! And I don't care that you want to see me, because I surely don't want to see you, okay?! I freakin' hate you!!" I heard her make a choking sound. I made her cry.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I just wanted to tell you that I have to go. Umm... your uncle is going to drive me so... yeah. Sorry again," she said, her voice so solemn. I heard her clomp away and the door slam.

I peeked out of my room just to make sure Zoey and my uncle were gone.

I ran over to the bathroom and pulled the bandages out of the drawer. I slowly wrapped up my arm. For a while after I just stared at my reflection.

My thick, black hair was in a knotted mess. There was a crazed look in my eyes, and I was also growing an uneven mustache. To sum it up, I looked like crap. That's what I am, actually. I made my crush cry.

"You're a monster," I whispered to my ugly reflection. "You're a monster."