Crush ng Bayan (girlxgirl) - ON HOLD

Journey Towards Self Discovery

Note: This is not an update. This is also published in The One Thing in Common. If you come across this part in that story, you can skip it.

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Over the past few days, I've been thinking about writing this. Either on my wall or on my profile. But then I thought, why not insert it in one or two of my stories? Kaya heto sya ngayon.

You, my readers, have been a part of my life for the past two years. Maybe a few months for others, other a few weeks and even days for some of you. We all have been part of the Wattpad Community. Para tayong may sariling mundo dito sa mundo ng Wattpad. And because of that, I decided to share a part of my journey to you.

Hindi ko iku-kwento ang buong buhay ko coz that'll require an entire series of 3 or 4 books. I just want to share one of the most difficult journeys in my life.

Some of you may relate to it, some of you may not. But it's my hope that maybe by sharing this to you, I maybe able to help those people who are struggling in finding their true self.

Let's start?

Since childhood, I always thought and knew that I'm straight. Growing up in a conservative, idealistic and religious family, I was raised thinking that a woman is supposed to be with a man. And that's the right thing to do. Kagaya siguro ng halos lahat sa atin dito ganun din naimulat.

Hindi ako katulad ng iba na pakiramdam ko may kulang o mali sa akin dahil iba ang pakiramdam ko sa sarili ko. No, hindi ganun ang naging situation ko. I truly believed and knew that I was straight. There were no signs or indication that someday, things will change in a huge way for me. Though I was naturally boyish and roudy as a young child until my puberty years, I always thought it was just normal. Boyish lang talaga. I was never attracted to someone with the same gender as me. I've always liked men, attracted with men and I even had a boyfriend at the young age of 14.

Kahit sa sarili ko, if I'm going to go back in the past, ni hindi ko maiisip man lang that I'd be attracted to the same sex. And that was the case until I went to college.

In college, things changed during my third year. I met my bestfriend. We became fast friends and as we got to know each other mas lalo kaming naging close until such time na parang kapatid na yung turing ko sa kanya. Then suddenly, I don't when it exactly happened, I felt something different for my bestfriend. I started liking her and seeing her in a different light. You know these cliché stories of falling in love with your bestfriend? Yeah, that happened to me. (Now you know the inspiration behind the Sam-Jules story.)

Imagine my dilemma at that time. I was so confused as to why am I having these feelings for my girl bestfriend! I was in denial for so long, I really had a difficult time in accepting what I was feeling. And there was also a huge fear na baka mawala ang bestfriend ko if this feeling I was having for her came out.

Sobrang daming pumapasok sa isipan ko ng mga panahong yun. I have all kinds of fear. Fear of losing my friendship with my bestfriend. Fear that if people would find out about it ay pagtatawanan ako, kukutyain ako, kung anong iisipin ng mga tao. Fear that if my family would find out ay ikahiya nila ako o baka itakwil pa nila ako. Oo, alam ko OA yung itakwil, but it was a genuine fear that I had considering how conservative my family is. And fear of God. Pakiramdam ko nung time na yun, sobrang malaking kasalanan kay Lord ang nararamdaman ko. Lalo na growing up a Roman Catholic and studying in a Private Catholic School from Elementary til High School, yung values na naituro at na-instill sa akin. Yung mga values na nakalakihan ko, hindi acceptable ang magkagusto sa kauri.

Can you imagine my struggle? Mahirap. So, kinailangan kong pigilan kung ano man yung nararamdaman ko. Kaya nandyan na yung minsang pag-iwas, pagkakaron ng iba pang mga kaibigan dahil naisip ko baka na confuse lang ako dahil 1st time ko magkaron ng bestfriend na hindi ko pinsan or kamag anak. Kaya sobrang natuwa lang ako. Denial kung denial.