The Malec Chronicles

Happy

Don't you dare," Alec says, hissing the words through his teeth and whirling around to face Magnus, who was leaning back against the counter and attempting to look like this wasn't bothering him at all. "Don't you dare try to blame this all on me."

This is how the two of them get angry- Alec reacts, hot and loud and angry, fiery words and burning tears and a rage that just wants to take everything in sight and burn it the ground until there are only ashes. He pictures himself as an inferno that swallows everything up and every word just adds fuel to the fire, so he burns and burns and doesn't stop until he burns himself out and the world is still again. Magnus is cold, calm and collected, his insults like frost bite and his words calculated, looking like he doesn't care even though Alec knows he does, has known him long enough to know that the pain is buried underneath this layer of carefully constructed ice. But Magus doesn't ever burn out, he can keep going, cold and distant and leaving Alec lonely and wanting things to be okay again until he eventually just admits defeat.

"Last time I checked, you were the one who tried to kill me."

Magnus doesn't look at him when he said it, speaks into his glass of wine instead, but Alec knows that he was just looking to get a rise out of him. And it works, because Alec wants to point out that he wasn't trying to kill him, just make him mortal, but that's just semantics and doesn't really change the meaning of what Magnus said by enough to make a difference. Saying that would probably make it sound worse, actually.

"I said sorry! How many times are you going to tell me that it's okay, that you understand, and then bring it back up again?" A year ago, Alec wouldn't have dared to keep going, because he was always too afraid he was going to be sent away or felt like he wasn't really wanted, anyways. Now they're on more of an equal footing.

Magnus just glares at him, daring at him to argue further, but Alec can't. He can't, because this is Magnus' get out of jail free card for the rest of eternity, and no matter how many apologies and excuses Alec gives, nothing will ever make up for what he did. "I don't want to do this," Magnus says, and stalks to the front door and out of the apartment.

"I did save your life last month," Alec says to the empty room, picking up the abandoned wine glass and claiming it as his own. "Doesn't that sort of make up for it?"

It's late by the time that Magnus comes back, late enough that he surely expected Alec to give up and go to bed, which is why when he sees him sitting on the couch with the cat he draws up short. Alec is sort of surprised that he's still awake as well, considering he has to go to the Institute in the morning, but after his third glass of wine he decides he better settle the Camille incident once and for all.

"We need to talk," He says, and he knows Magnus is exhausted by the sound he makes even if he can't see his face.

"I'm sorry." Magnus says, in the tone of voice he uses when he wants to appease and sweep everything under the rug. Alec doesn't like that, has never learned how to make people listen with soft words and subtle suggestions, and even though Magnus is an expert with it, he refuses to play that game. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"I don't care about that. I just need you to know why I was going to do it." Alec's voice is tight, but so is the frown lines around Magnus' mouth, one of those rare sights that give away exactly how old he is. "And before we get to that, you need to know that I was never, ever going to actually take part of your life away. Even if I was scared."

"But you-,"

Alec gives him a look that must have shushed him, because he fell quiet. They've never talked about Alec's actual actions, or what he was about to do, just called it the Camille incident and said that it was forgiven and forgotten, except that Magnus has a brilliant mind and never actually forgets anything. "I went to talk with her. But not because I wanted to shorten your life. It was just that I wanted to make you stay, and clearly, she would be the only one who could tell me how."

There's silence in the apartment, only broken by Chairman's purring.

"I loved you. And you loved me. And I was happy with that, until Camille showed up and I looked at her and looked at me and started wondering what was possibly keeping you around." There was a bitter tinge to his voice now, and it was bringing up all the old insecurities and worries all over again, the anxiety that accompanies them pooling in his stomach. (Alec is still insecure, but he's also a war hero, so like, fuck everyone else's opinion.) "So I just thought I would hear her out. See what was so special about her. And I thought she could tell me how to make you stay."

"Alexander..." There's a plea in his voice, pain and guilt mixed together. Magnus reaches for him, but Alec shies away and stands up. Talking about this brings up how unfair the whole thing was, how he had just wanted to know anything about Magnus, anything at all, just enough to feel like they were equals, to think that their love was actually going to last and Magnus cared as much as he said. But then it fell apart, because Magnus followed and actually thought Alec would kill him, even though alec wasn't, he just wanted to know how to make him stay and didn't have anywhere else to turn. But Magnus wouldn't listen to that, even though alec called and begged and pleaded and slept on his door step for a night, just threw him away like last week's garbage, without taking a second to think that maybe, just maybe, Magnus was the one who had brought this down on the both of them, if Alec was going to someone like Camille for reassurance.

"You wouldn't tell me anything. She was the only one who could." Alec shrugs on his coat and pats the cat on the head, feeling the somewhat unfamiliar prickle of tears in his eyes. "I didn't trust her, and I didn't want to kill you, but I didn't really trust what we had, either."

This time, it was his turn to walk out the door, and unlike Magnus, he didn't bother coming back.

Alec does go back, though, after he goes and does his job at the institute and managed to push away all the old feelings of not good enough, not good enough, why would he love you that last night's conversation managed to drag up. Still, it feels good to be able to open the door with the key that he got back and walk into the apartment, where Magnus was waiting for him, much in the same way that Alec had been waiting the night before.

"I'm sorry," Magnus says, somewhat lamely, voice tight and strained in the way it was when Magnus was nervous and worried and didn't know how to deal with it. Like he was desperate to make this better. "I didn't know. I didn't know that you were.."

Were what? Worried? In pain? still unsure of the two them, despite everything? Alec didn't know and didn't bother asked, just crossed the room and pulled Magnus into a hug. This had been their first fight since they had gotten back together, and considering last night's bombshell he had dropped on Magnus (anger is so much easier to deal with when you are sure that you are right, and now Magnus finds that it was a whole lot more gray than the black and white he had seen), Alec was sure that he had sat here wondering if Alec would come back at all.

""It's okay. I should have..." Should have someone known? Shouldn't have been unsure about his first relationship ever? That's not the truth. "It's better now. You aren't hiding anymore. And I'm not as," He swallows hard, tries to think of the right word. "I'm not as sad."

"You were sad?" Magnus' eyes snap back to him, those amber eyes he had once been so worried about.

"Not with you. Not because of you, at least. Just in general." This was the closest he would come to talk about the crippling worry that used to flood his veins, of the days where he wouldn't see a reason to get out of bed and would have to force himself into caring enough to go about his day. He would not be telling anyone about that, even if those closest to him might have guessed. "But I'm not sad anymore. I'm really, really happy. And you are a big part of that."

"Good. I'm," Magnus stops, struggles, swallows down what might have been a choking sob. "I'm happy too."

Alec knows how much that sentence means, because he has learned how much the world can weigh on you when you live as long as Magnus has. "We're going to stay happy this time, okay?" Alec says, his voice determined and damaged and not at all sure. "I'm going to make sure of it."