Confessions [A Journal]

Age: 15-20

It's still a little fuzzy in my mind, I was with my boyfriend who I'll call 'Tony' and we were at a party. Maybe with today's high school kids it was a typical/normal party but back then it wasn't. There had to have been 50 or 60 people there, there was alcohol I had never heard of, people I'd never seen, drugs I never wanted to try.

I knew the kind of things 'Tony' was in to, I knew the kind of person he was but I was 'in love'.

I don't know how it happened exactly, I was already so drunk I couldn't see straight, but 'Tony' called me over to the bar and moved to the side showing Navid, a soccer player from Argentina that went to our school, laying across the bar with two white line where his V-cuts were.

More talking happened, 'Tony' told me it'd be great, Navid was running his hand up and down my back slowly coaxing me in to it and 'Tony's' friends and their girlfriends were cheering me on as well.

It was so cliché like a scene cut from a movie, I took a rolled up twenty and crawled on top of the bar to straddle Navid. I leaned over him making my hair fall, covering my face, and in a weird slightly intimate move Navid ran his fingers through it and held it up so he could watch what I was doing.

I could feel myself getting nervous and it felt like time stopped, i took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before i leaned down lower and ran the twenty note over the white powder and snorted it, I did the same to the second.

I threw the money on the floor wiped my nose and sat there for a while still straddling his lap. 'Tony' pulled my face towards him and kissed me, like it was completely normal.

I could feel the drip going down my throat and I remember the taste and it gave me such a rush of adrenaline so when it was offered the next day i took it, and the next and again and again and again. It slowly but surely took over my life, one mistake from one night of party. I change, I felt different on the inside but i hid everything to the outside world. I kept up with Volleyball track and tennis, I kept my gpa at a steady 3.2-3.5, never missed work. My family didn't know, most of my friends didn't know, hell my family and most of my friends still don't know but I did c*ke almost everyday until I was twenty and got sober.

I was clean for months then a few months before I turned twenty-one something happened where a 'friend' tricked me in to going somewhere saying someone needed to borrow something of mine and whatever it was bullshit and something happened and I relapsed hard.

I went on a week long drinking binge and popped p*lls and snorted this and that. Then one day mid March I stood in front of my full length mirror and didn't recognize myself, my cheeks were sunken in, my eyes were dark with blown pupils and circles underneath, my clothes looked as if they belonged to someone else I had lost so much weight. I stared at myself for a while shocked by what I had done to myself, I hated it, I hated me. I think I cried for six hours before I decided I was...done.

A week later, I had transferred schools, sold my car a little Navy blue 3 series BMW my uncle had given me for graduating , sublet my apartment, sold my stuff put the rest in storage and left.

I transferred to a school in London and lived with my best friend Keely and her fianceé the only person who knew what I was going through because she was going through the same thing only she never stopped.

~~~

There's alot more to this story but writing this is getting to be too much for me so I'll continue this another day.