Endless Shadows

Chapter 29

"Do they fit?" He asks.
"Huh?"
"The gloves, do they fit?"
I look down at my hands. Wearing gloves is nothing new to me, I've worn them plenty of times. These ones are probably the most comfortable. 
"They're alright," I say lowering my hands, "but how are they supposed to help me use the amulet?"

"They're not. As I said, they will only serve to prevent the amulet from bringing forth the memories of those you touch." 
I nod my head slowly before grabbing the amulet that hangs around my neck. 
"How am I ever supposed to control this thing? We have been at this for weeks and we've made no progress. In my opinion we're just wasting time."

Faervel lowers his head slightly. He's looking at me but not quite meeting my gaze either.
"You are right Amarth, we are wasting time."
What?
He sighs and motions for me to sit down.
"I did not think it would be this difficult," he pulls up a chair and sits down across from me, "I thought we would have more time." 

"More time? Faervel what are you talking about?" I'm starting to grow slightly worried. 
"You must forgive me Amarth, for not telling you the truth before." He looks into my eyes and for once I don't turn away. His eyes are clouded as if there's a thin layer of fog covering them. What's going on?
"I thought that I could teach you how to use it, so that you would be prepared for what is to come, but I was wrong Amarth. Deep down I knew that truth but I ignored it. My own ignorance has cost us much time." 

"I don't understand. What are you apologizing for?" I'm starting to grow impatient with all of this. 
Faervel rests his head against his hand. His shoulders slump like he's carrying a heavy burden on them. 
"Amarth, I cannot teach you how to use the amulet."
I blink once, twice.
"What do you mean? We have been working on this for weeks!" I throw my hands up in frustration before letting them slam down against my legs. He'd better have a good explanation for this.

"Yes Amarth, we have been working haven't we? However, can you say that you've learned anything about using the amulet? No, you haven't. Do you want to know why? Because one cannot be taught how to wield the amulet's power, it must come to them naturally. They must learn how to work with it until it becomes an extension of themselves. That, Amarth, is something not even I can teach."

"Then why have we wasted all this time?!" I shout leaping out my chair. "We could have been preparing for an attack! Or going after Daeris! But you wanted to waste time "teaching" me something that can't even be taught?! What on earth were you thinking?!"

"I thought that I could force you to learn how to use the amulet. Waiting for its power to become part of you would have taken too long." He turns away from me, his eyes going towards an open window. A humorless chuckle escapes him. "Yet here we are, drawing ever nearer to the end and none of us are ready." 

His words send a shiver down my spine. The amulet grows heavy around my neck. He says we're nearing the end, what does he mean by that? 
"I should have spent more time preparing you instead of wasting it trying to do something I knew was impossible," Faervel mutters.
"You know what might have helped?" I suggest. "You could have chosen someone else to take this thing."

"I told you before Amarth, I chose you to wield the amulet. I do not regret my decision."
"Even now? You said so yourself we're running out of time here! If you had just given this thing to one of them we wouldn't be having this conversation right now! To be honest I don't completely understand why you're so distressed right now."
Faervel continues to stare out the window and I follow his gaze. Outside the world is grey, the sun is covered by clouds that promise rain. The wind is tearing leaves from their branches and sending them swirling through the air, some are blown into the house and land on the floor.

"Why do you think I made a mistake in choosing you Amarth?" He asks quietly, still not looking at me.
"Should I go over my long list of all the terrible things I've done or should I have my acquaintances fill you in? I'm sure that they would just love to tell you about all the crimes I've committed. Let's go over a few shall we? Murder, thievery, betrayal, serving not one but two of the evilest beings to walk the earth besides Morgoth, abandoning my sister, getting my entire family slaughtered, torturing innocent people, need I go on?"

Faervel closes his eyes. Have I finally upset him? I fold my arms across my chest and wait for his response. Surely now he'll agree that he made a mistake. I would if I were him. Actually, if I was Faervel I would have disposed of me long ago.

Finally, he gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head before opening his eyes.
"Why do you still carry all of this with you Amarth? Can you not see what it is doing to you?" 
"I don't need another lecture about this Faervel," I growl turning away from him. 
"When will you stop shutting everyone out?" I hear him rise to his feet. Here we go again, does anyone have anything else to talk to me about besides everything I'm doing to "hurt" myself?

"You are surrounded by people who love you, friends who care about you. But every time they try to help, you push them away. Whenever they attempt to reach out to you, your walls go up. Instead of letting them in you've driven them out and in their place you've let in darkness. Why Amarth? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Why won't you let them help?"

"They wouldn't understand," I argue continuing to face the window. My hands are itching to curl into fists but I fight the urge. I cannot afford to lash out now, there's no telling what could happen.
"Is that so? Take a closer look at the company you keep Amarth, it is no accident that you are drawn to your friends. Each one of them has felt the same darkness you have at one point in their lives. Whether they experienced it personally or watched someone they loved fall to it, they've lived through darkness Amarth. Some of them still are."

I say nothing in response. If I talk now I might say something that I don't want him to hear. A hand grasps my shoulder and I stiffen under Faervel's touch. He's wrong, I am not drawn to those people. The only ones I care about are Anna and Pallando. I don't care about the others.

I don't.