It isn't clowns or spiders even if those two are batshit scary or heights or getting killed (I'm long past feeling scared of dying). It's regretting everything in the future. I'm already starting to regret some things.
I regret 7th grade completely. That year was legitimately hell for me. I regret being mean to some and regret being nice to others.
I regret dating the boys I've dated and I regret liking the people I've liked. I regret one boy in particular for not taking any chances with.
I probably would've regretted taking chances if I did.
I regret not trying hard enough. I regret feeling sad enough to not want to brush my hair or change my clothes or brush my teeth. I don't want to eat at times and then other times it's all I can do.
I regret getting nervous. I strongly regret getting nervous when talking to boys I don't know or adults, and the cashiers at McDonald's I could never speak to so instead I got my sister to talk to them, and not being able to stop being awkward with my friends' parents. Not being able to dance anywhere in public because it feels people are staring and judging and whispering behind my back about it, not being able to touch boys in any way because it makes me feel s i c k
Those are just few of the things I regret. I'm just getting started.
Sometimes I regret not being as straight as some of my friends because they'll sit and talk about this boy over here and another one in the opposite direction because omg!! they're so cute??
and I don't see it. I just see an average looking guy and I don't feel anything. I don't think
"damnnn he's hot I wanna tap that yum."
When I'm with a cute girl though, I can't stop smiling. I should start praying to whatever is out there to make me stop catching feelings for my friends. It's not good for my health.
I don't want to regret my job in the future or where I live or who I'm with. I don't want that at all.
I want to feel comfortable and happy.
