Bleeding hearts

Chapter Twenty

I don't know how much time after until i found myself standing in front of the cemetery's gates 

I walk blindly through the cemetery ,my only light from the street down until i find myself standing over it

Christopher Rey Mathews

September 15,1996- March 20,2014

Beloved son ,brother and friend

taken from us too soon ,we will miss you .

With my arms wrapped around my middle i sank to the ground where my sweetheart was berried ,my hand was shaking as i lifted it and traced his name on the headstone . 

"Hi baby "a whisper fell from my mouth and then i listened for maybe an answer, anything ?i didn't know .

I take much needed air to speak "i miss you so much "i bring my knees up hugging them to my chest "you promised we'll go to college together ,you promised we'll have our first kid right after i finish college "

my lower lip trembled and  tears started falling down my cheeks but i didn't bother wiping them .

"you said we should have a boy first then a girl so he can protect her . and t-that he'll be just as handsome and strong as his father "i mutter on a sob ,my hands ,my legs ,every part of my body trembling so hard i'm afraid i'll just break apart 

i run my hand over the dirt "do you remember how you always used to steel from my food and make these annoying voices while eating it just to annoy me "another sob breaks free "y-you can steal all my food and make those voices all day long and i won't get mad "i shook my head "i promise i won't get mad if you would j- just come b-back "

soul wrenching sob after another breaks from my throat as i fall over his grave "i n-need you "

i feel arms going around my waist and pulling me backwards to a warm chest ,holding tight they rock me back and forth mumbling "shh baby ,i've got you .I've got you "

i couldn't look back or do anything except let these ugly sobs rip from my throat and the hot tears fall relentlessly down my cheeks .  

After i calmed a little ,i was turned around ,and looking up i was met with pained blue eyes 

"I'm so sorry "i mumbled feeling exhausted, broken and most importantly numb ,empty inside 

He straddled my face in his hands pulling back a little but i couldn't open my eyes ,couldn't witness the pity in his eyes or the pain i'm probably causing .He started kissing my eyelids then my cheeks ,kissing the tears away .

I sagged in his hold "hold me ,p-please just hold me "

he pulled me in his lap and held me tight in his arms rocking us back and fourth .

After what seemed like an eternity he finally pulled me up and carried me to the car that was parked right at the gate of the cemetery  .

The drive back to my dad's place was short, silent and tense and i almost broke in another fit of tears but i managed to hold it back ,bottle it up and just berry it inside .

Once at the house ,i ran up to my room ,the house silent and asleep .

"I'm going to take a shower "i said as we stood in my room ,me at the foot of the bed and him standing at the entrance of my room 

"I can help you with that if you want,you look tired "He said studying me carefully and talking with caution ,afraid i'll break apart again 

I shook my head "i can take care of myself "i took a deep breath "i'm going to my mom's place in the morning "

He nodded "Okay ,we'll go first thing in the morning "

I wrapped my arms around my middle "I'm going alone "i looked at my feet not able to meet his eyes "i need some alone time "

"What happened at the cemetery ..."

I shook my head "Please don't "

his footsteps sounded on the carpet as he strolled inside and came closer until he was standing in front of me 

"Addison "

i didn't look up and tightened my arms around me 

"please look at me "his pained plea made me look up and i wish i didn't 

His eyes reflected all the pain i was feeling ,like he was experiencing exactly what was happening to me 

"I want to be here for you "he said taking my face in his hands ,his thumb brushing the tear that strolled down "i want to take care of you ,i want to hold you"he looked between my eyes "i wish i can take all this pain i'm now seeing in your eyes ,i wish it was me and not you ,i'm ready to do anything just to take all this pain away ,so please don't push me away "

i swallowed the lump in my throat "i just want to be alone ,please Dean .I need you to do this for me "

he rested his forehead against mine "don't do this to me ,babe "

"We're okay ,i promise .I just need a few days to myself ,you can go back to New York .After a couple of days i'll follow you "i put my arms around his waist "we'll be fine ,i'm not pushing you away " 

He growled and pushed way from me "we're not okay ,we were never okay ,you should've have said something about him ,instead you let me boil in my jealousy and uncertainty "

"Yes ,you're right ,and i'm really sorry for that ,he's a sore point in my life..."

"That's because you never moved on from him" he roared pointing a finger at my face "and you just led me on making me fall in love with you while your heart belonged to some dead guy "

I took a step back ,his words like a blow to the chest 

"I never ..."

he laughed "What ?you never wanted for me to fall for you ?"he clenched his jaw "you should've been less of a bitch and told me before that you were never going to love me back "

"No Dean , please i ...i ..."

"You what ? "he whispered seeming to hold his breath but my throat closed off ,and i couldn't utter the words he wanted so badly to hear 

He closed his eyes tight ,and stepped closer to me ,he dropped a small kiss on my forehead then he was off out of my room ,his scent disappearing in his wake .