Can I say you left me even if you were never really here? I ask myself that every damn day but I never get an answer. It just takes me back to that time—two months ago, when I was sitting in front of my laptop at nine o’clock in the evening. I’m going to copy-paste our entire conversation and add some comments of my own.
You: I gotta tell you something
Me: What is it?
You: I cant do this anymore.
Me: Funny. I’m cackling. Like a witch.
I was buying time. I had a feeling I knew what you meant, I just didn’t want to believe it.
You: I’m not joking, ger
Me: What are you trying to say?
You: Goodbye. im saying goodbye.
I was quiet for a moment because I couldn’t wrap my head around the obvious fact that you were going to “leave” me. I was thinking that if I didn’t reply, maybe you won’t go. How pathetic right?
Me: Colin quit it
You: Quit what?
Me: THIS! whatever the fuck youre doing
You: Ger im serious i cant do this anymore. its been a year. at least. do you really think this will work out the way we planned?
“Planned”. You used to say it as “plan”. Like, “We plan to have three kids, blah blah blah.” I realized you’ve thought of this for quite some time because you spat out “planned” like you were releasing a breath.
You: Im sorry.
Me: Why are you sorry?
You: Dammit ginger. look im sorry because im the one giving up on us when we both said none of us would. Im just so sorry i cant do this anymore. its because i feel like im holding us back from our lives. we have so much more to look forward to besides meeting each other.
Me: you know what fuck you colin. fuck you and your goddamn principles about life.
I ended up crying by the time I read “im the one giving up”. I sounded mad in my reply because I was. Kinda. You hurt me, Col. You hurt me bad. What else could I do? Anger is what I show when I’m hurt. It makes me look less of a screw up.
Me: You wanna leave right? just leave then. delete me from your contacts delete my pictures delete me from your fucking life see if i give a shit
You: I already did. the pictures, songs, videos, messages. your contact is the last one. Ger please dont be difficult. this is hard for me too.
Hard for you too, huh? I bet. If it was so “hard” for you, imagine how it was for me. I mean I really, really… thought you felt the same way I did for you.
Me: whatever
You: im sorry we didnt do the things we planned.
Here we go again with the “planned”.
Me: just leave colin. here ill make it easier for you.
That was when I deleted you from my Skype contacts. You’re welcome, by the way. At that moment, the back of my hand was already wet with tears that I had to wipe them on my shirt.
I sat there, staring at the display of my contacts without you in it. It seemed so wrong. You were like a missing puzzle piece in a creation that was complete. Seeing it made me cry even more, so I closed the laptop and went to my bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. And the next night, and the next night, and the night after that, and so on. I would be lying if I said I still didn’t cry about it. This will be my last letter to you because I hate you. I hate you, Colin fucking Adler. Thank you for ruining my life.
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Destiny, Fate and Bad Timing
Humor*THERE'S PROBABLY A SHITLOAD OF SWEARING. PROBABLY* "And in that moment, I swear to god, I wanted to choke that stupid lady to death for being born with such horrible timing." "Destiny is something that you shape, something you can control and mold...