Bear Heart (Book 2)

Chapter 14

“Well, either way, I still died. I think it’s dangerous to cheat death. Everything comes at a price, you know?” I nodded. “So, is that a no? What if the price was the memories of your past life?” Kenai chuckled. “There’s still a lot that you’re not taking into consideration. What about the family I left behind when I died? How would they feel if I came back in a different body? Besides, where did the body come from? Would my best friend still be in my life? There’s a lot you have to consider.”

“Alright, well, say you didn’t have a family. You only had your best friend. They’d still be in your life, it would just be as if you’re meeting them for the first time again. As for the body… let’s say that it belonged to another person that just died, but your soul was put into it.” He stood quiet. “Well, if I only had my best friend, then I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, since they’re all I had to begin with. I wouldn’t lose anything. What about the body’s family?” I paused for a bit. “I don’t know about the body’s family…”

“Well, I’d pretty much be living as the person whose body it was, right? It’d seem unfair to the person’s family if they thought they had their loved one, but it was actually someone else.”

“Remember, though, you’re innocent. You were killed for no reason. Say you had that person’s memories, then. Say you thought that you were that person.”

“But I’m not.” He looked me in the eye, a solemn look on his face. He was taking this seriously, not as a hypothetic question. I didn’t know whether to be glad or worried. “So, you wouldn’t want to?” I asked, my voice barely audible over the fireworks. He looked up at the sky. “It would save the grief of a lot of people. At least I’d have another chance at life, even if it wasn’t my own. I guess I could shape it as my own.” I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I didn’t ruin his life by bringing him back.

“And, what about the price? What about your old memories?”

“Well, did my best friend know it was me? Even in my new body?”

“Yes.”

“Are they hurt that I don’t remember them?”

“Yes. It brings them in a lot of pain.”

“Can they be brought back?”

“…They might be able to.”

“Well, it’d definitely be easier coping with only one life’s memories… But, I don’t want them to be in pain.” He took a deep breath. “I would trust my friend to decide what they thought was best for me.” I stared at him. “You’d let them decide for you?” He nodded. “If they thought that I would be happier forgetting, then sure, I’m fine with it. If they think that the memories are important enough to be remembered, then help me get them back. I’d trust my best friend to choose what they thought was right.”

I looked back to the sky. He wants me to choose? How can I?

“But the memories were the price to being revived, right? If you cheat death by reviving me, then you cheat death again by stealing back what you paid, then who knows what the consequences will be?”

His words sent a cold chill through me. I cheated death for Kenai through Takeena. What will happen if I succeed in getting his memories back? What will happen if I succeed in cheating Takeena? This thought terrified me.

“What movie did you get that question from?” He asked. I didn’t look at him. “I was just flipping through channels on TV, I didn’t catch the name,” I said quietly. He laughed. “That was a hard question.” I nodded. “It’s nice, though. My best friend would have gone through the trouble of cheating death to bring me back. They must really care about me.” I smiled, turning to him. His eyes were staring right into mine. I felt my heart swell in my chest. “More than anything in the whole world,” I answered.

“Let me ask you a question, now. It has to do with the question you just asked.” I nodded, waiting for what he had to say. “As the best friend, would you see them as the person they were before, or as just a body with the memories of someone else?” I began to play with my hands. How did I see Kenai? “I think I would see them… as the same soul, with a new life. They’re still your best friend. They have the same personality, the same favorite food, the same favorite color. They’re just living a new life that they didn’t have before. They still have the same heart they did before they died. They’re there, they’re just born again.”

“I think it would be important to remember that they’re not the same as before. They’ll probably have new ideas, new feelings. I don’t think you should think of them as one and the same. It’s like if you were to meet your dad as a woman, or you dog as a person. They’re different. They’re not gonna be the same, because they’re a different person now, a different life. Like you said, they’re the same soul, but that’s probably all that’ll stay the same.”

I nodded. It was strange to think, but he was right. I had always thought that Kenai had just transferred bodies or was sharing with another person, but it became clear to me that that wasn’t the case at all. He’s still Kenai, he’s just a person now. I can’t think of him as my bear. That’s not who he is anymore. “Do you think it would be different if they had their past life’s memories?” I asked. He shrugged. “So you’ll remember where you used to live, when you would go to a certain place. You’ll remember where, when, and why. You’ll know, but you won’t feel the same. I mean, think if Jack turned human. He’d have memories of drinking from the toilet, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll still like or even want to drink from the toilet. Like I said, it’s new thoughts and new ideas, it’s a different perspective.”

“You’re right.” I said, squeezing my hands tight against my chest. I couldn’t help but wonder, what will he think of me if he regains his memories? What did he think of me before? What does he think of me now? “What’s wrong?” Kenai asked. “Is the height scaring you? We can get down if you want.” I shook my head somewhat frantically. “No, I’m fine! Actually, I’m not scared at all. I think it’s because you’re here. I feel really safe with you.” I gave him a smile, and he smiled back, grabbing my hand. “I’m glad. I want you to feel safe with me, and I want to help you be fearless.”

As I looked into his eyes, something in me changed. Maybe it was the fireworks. Maybe it was what he had said to me. I didn’t see him the same anymore. I thought back to the very first time I met him as a human, and I realized that I never saw him as a bear. I would always tell myself that, but I was so confused. I had lied to myself. I’ve been lying to myself.

My face began to grow hot, and my heart beat rapidly. His hand hadn’t let go of mine. Before I even knew what I was doing, I felt myself bring my face closer. My chest felt as if it were going to explode. My face was just inches away from his, and I saw his face change in expression. He went from happy to surprised, and his cheeks began to grow red. I didn’t know what caused me to move, what caused me to understand, but I wasn’t trying to stop it. I wasn’t an inch away from him, when he suddenly jerked his head back.

“You know what? We never told anyone that we were up here. They’re probably wondering where we are.” Kenai’s voice was fast and nervous. He suddenly let go of my hand and quickly stood up. “Come on, let’s go back down.” I stared up at him, confused. “Um… sure.” My voice was shaky and I stood up somewhat slowly. What had just happened? As soon as I stood up, he walked ahead towards the ladder, avoiding eye contact with me. Quickly, he climbed down, heading towards the table of food to pick up empty plates and take them inside.

As I finally reached the ground, realization hit me. My face grew hotter and hotter. I covered my mouth with my hand, staring down at my feet. My heart squeezed. My palms began to sweat, and my eyes began to water.

I had developed feelings for Kenai.

That’s why I get jealous of Kate. That’s why I get embarrassed of Alex’s jokes. That’s why I got embarrassed about clinging onto him when we went swimming. I liked him this whole time. I just tried to kiss him. I was mortified. What made things feel worse?

He had rejected me.