Addicted

Do you ever feel so out of your mind you're questioning pretty much your whole actual existence? Like every single thing you have ever done in your life just screws that life even more for you?

You keep thinking it's the okay thing to do. That you are just simply having some fun. That's nothing to be blame for. Having fun. All the young people do want to live out their lives the best they can. They want to enjoy every moment and make it count. But sometimes they are just crazy about the thought of dangerously good seemed thing they want to try. Mostly they are attracted to the danger in it. It seems like everything that swears to be dangerous is something that they keep choosing all the time. And so did I. I chose the danger. I chose him. Because everyone wants something they do not own yet. Even more if that's not only dangerous but also exciting and new. He was everything. And the fun was promised.

Every look at him made me feel like a stupid girl with a stupid crush I was. Suddenly he was everywhere. All around me and not at all. He was there but not actually. Since that little toilette make out session of ours, I have had him on my mind constantly. Just a little innocence though led me to him ever since. Every little thing.

I tried to make it through the night but my mind was spinning and spinning and it seems like he occupied every twine of my brain. I couldn't control it and that was why it was so exciting. That you thought you could catch him but if you reached out to him nothing was in your hand but the fume only you could see. That you thought you could have him but didn't know if you will. That was exciting. That adventurous feeling of something unknown yet very similar the boy was sending through my body at the same time. I wanted to get drunk of that feeling. And I've got. For an unforgettable little moment that let me dead from a kiss in a drunk body ever since. Such a power he had over me. Addicted of that feeling I wanted to take another dose so I could feel it again.

In the very beginning I didn't know what I was going into or maybe I even tried not to. But it was so new. I never had those feelings for anyone before. No one was like him and no feelings were like those. Such a scary and constant and just there. Still present. No fight would make me a winner against such a powerful rival. Humans fight great but feelings are simply greater fighters. They fight dirty yet above board, not knowing about their presence the heart is the first victim and after the roots are as deep as they need to, the heart is nothing but an implement to spill the poison on to the rest of a human's body. The heart is always feeling it right at time but the brain is just sometimes too vain. Life would be much easier if the heart wouldn't be allowed to interfere in the love things and let the brain in the lead but that would probably be too easy and life is not supposed to be an easy thing. That's how he got me. I blame the heart. If it was my brain, I'd never let myself to be so attached to someone without knowing if he feels the same towards me because one sided expectation just mentally destroy the human being. But with heart being the helpless romantic one you can't choose who you get attached to. You just do. You can't do anything about it. One day the person is just a good friend to you and the next day they're everything you can think of, person you want to spend every single second of the day with, they're occupying your brain at sleepless nights. That's the power of attachment. It finds you no matter how much you're trying to push the feeling or the person away but eventually you can't resist it and when you finally accept it, you know you're screwed. That's nothing worth fighting against. And trust me I tried. I was in such a denial the long time, actually. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Oh hell how much I did not want to. But you always want the new thing. Every time the new model of some phone comes out, you want it. I should not compare a living and breathing person to just a phone but it's exactly like that. No matter if it's a new phone, long awaiting sequel of a book or a person that is new in your life. You just want it.