the Thermidorian Reaction

Chapter 19

Unlike her previous experience of this nature, this time Aerin's eyes were not trained to the world passing by the car as they barreled down the dirt road. No longer did the green fields and open plains hold her attention, nor did the refreshing scent of the days rain cleanse her mind. She couldn't even say she felt nervous, despite knowing that within the hour she would be standing on yet another stage, listening as her brother again tried to quell the unrest with his presence and high hand.

This time, all she felt was lost, and she hated it.

She knew she should be excited. She had been accepted to the college of her choice. She was getting the very thing she had been anticipating all this time. But instead, any time she thought of her future and Astor, she only felt sadness.

Christian, of course, kicked up a fit of royal proportions, all but forbidding her to attend Astor. Shouts of family scandal, betrayal, and sullying the family name were cast, but they slid off her like water to a ducks back. She heard them, but they did not get to her. Because all she could think about was Grey.

She had not seen him since their stand off in the greenhouse almost a week before. Whether he was avoiding her, or her own reclusiveness proved to be effective in avoiding him on her own she had no idea. But time and time again she reminded herself it didn't matter. Because he had made it clear that she was to go on and live her life without him, no matter what she may feel. As though he felt nothing at all.

It had taken her three days to muster the energy and inclination to mail her acceptance back to Astor. And while she let the envelope slip from her fingers into the mail slot, she did not feel what she expected to feel. Not the excitement of what was to come, or the freedom of taking those first steps towards independence and a life of her own. If anything, all she felt was sad.

The afternoon she mailed her acceptance to Astor, she went over to see Kasia. Before, the moment she had gotten her acceptance she would have sought out her friend, ready to share the excitement and discuss opportunities. Kasia was already planning to attend Windsor, of course, studying art and literature. A vague field of study, she said, as she had yet to truly decide what her life's aspirations were. To this, Aerin was quick to make a teasing remark of marrying well and ruling a compound, to which Kasia couldn't even deny apart from a giggle and a slap to the arm.

Of course, her friend was happy for her. The expected squeals of excitement, the questions of when she would be leaving, if she had found a flat, and how Christian had reacted all spilling from her in a flurry of gestures. It was only after a few moments that she actually noticed Aerin's solemn expression.

Aerin hadn't planned on telling Kasia about Grey. In fact, she had sworn the night before to never tell a soul. Beyond the fact that it was forbidden, the fact that he seemed so flippant on her departure only caused her hurt and anger, determined to forget him and the way he made her feel. It wasn't until the words were finished, the tale of his confrontation, their argumentative exchanges, the kisses and the way he made her feel, that she realized how badly she needed to tell the only person in her life she trusted.

"Well, you cant be surprised or mad at him for reacting that way," she defended. "I mean, how would you feel if it was the other way around?"

"I would be happy for him," Aerin lied. "He has to know I hate the idea of leaving now. I always knew what I wanted, until him. He makes me question everything I thought I knew; the system, the law, my life. I never expected to meet him, and now he is making me question everything I thought I wanted."

"That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Isn't that what you want in a mate? Someone to challenge you and make you better?"

Aerin was quick to laugh. "Is he making me better? All I can see is that he's making me furious."