𝔸𝕣𝕚𝕒𝕟𝕒 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕖 𝔼𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕤

#62

It was exactly those words I wished, I would have told Normani but something entirely different escaped my lips instead.

Suddenly, Normani was standing in the doorframe to the bedroom. My back was towards her, but I could hear the cracking noises from the floor. I hadn't even heard her come through the front door.

I closed my eyes, trying to keep the noises from my heavy crying inside. I heard Normani sigh heavily, taking in a heavy breath to calm herself down.

Hold me, mani. Touch me, please.

She moved further into the room, before sitting down on the bedside across to me. I hated this space between us, though she was sitting right on the other side of the bed, she couldn't feel more discontented and distant to me.

We didn't speak, we didn't even look at each other. We were just here, listening to each other's compact breathings.

I wanted to speak but I was hurting too much to get anything out of my mouth. Normani suddenly laid down next to me, pulling me into her arms. Feeling her strong arms around my body, just made me sob loudly feeling my heart shatter once more.

Normani didn't say anything, she just let me cry into her chest. Stroking my hair, rubbing my back, kissing my neck. Normani was trying her best to calm me down.

"Don't cry, angel. Please don't cry." she whispered into my hair.

At least she still called me angel. It just made me hold her even tighter, cuddling myself even further into her arms.

"This is never going to work if you don't let me in" Normani whispered, her voice was desperate for a response.

I'd never heard her like this before. I wanted to open up, I wanted to tell her things and let her in. I wished, I could be able to let her know that I was a fragile and needy person.

That most of the time, I was insecure and vulnerable. That I often need her guidance and I need someone willing to take care of me. But Normani would never hear me admit it out loud. I would never ask for it. She would never hear me say the words.

If she asked me if I needed it, I'd always deny it. But I needed her to just know it, which is so unfair to her. Just needing her to know that it doesn't matter how many times I said no, I do need it. I do need her. More than anything in the world.

Normani lifted up my chin, letting her eyes gaze at me. Seeing the look in them, just made it even worse. Her eyes were red and swollen, she had been crying as well. Her face was pail and there was no colour in her plump lips, which normally always had this pink glow to them. She looked at me worried, before letting her thumb stroke my lip.

"You're breaking my heart, baby. I don't know what to do when I see you're falling to pieces, but you won't tell me what's going on. I don't know how to fix it then" her voice was rusty and it crumbled at the end of her sentence.

Normani's eyes filled up with tears and seconds after, a couple of tears were running down her face. Seeing my Normani hurt like this tore every single part of my – already broken – heart apart.

I reached out for her, putting my hand on her chest. Her heart was pounding recklessly. I never knew, how much this was affecting her as well.

It had never been my intention to hurt her, but I obviously had. I hadn't seen that Normani was breaking as well. It made me sick, being the reason, she was feeling like this.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for you" I whispered, finally saying the words aloud. Normani's eyes widen as her gaze stuck at me. She seemed confused by my confession.

"You're such an amazing person, mani. You have such a pure and kind heart and... You love me, every part of me. Sometimes, I feel like I can't love you back like you truly deserve" I cried, silently. Quickly, Normani found my hand, pulling it up to her lips.

"But angel , you love me better than anyone else ever could. Don't you see it? You give so much of yourself to people, to me as well, that's probably why you have these feelings. Because others before me took that for granted. And I get that, I get that it left you with burns but you-" Normani's voiced died off.

It actually seemed to pain her. Gently, she stroked my hair. She looked at me carefully, debating whether or not to say what she was thinking.

"Tell me" I whispered to her.

She bit her lip, not sure if she should do it. I waited patiently for her to speak. She sent a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Oh angel, once you learn to love yourself, it becomes easier for you to let others love you as well" she said simply, stroking my wet cheek.

Her words left my entire body quivering.

"I'm scared you'll leave when it gets tough" I said, feeling my voice cracking.

"I'm not going anywhere. Love isn't always roses and fireworks, love is hard work, but baby, you're worth working for. I just don't know how to get that into your pretty, little head"

"I don't know either" I whispered back.

We just laid here, looking at each other. Normani leaned in, kissing my forehead. She sighted heavily while pulling back again.

"I wish, I could make you see yourself how I see you" she said, sadly.

"And how is that?"

"Baby, you are just right to me. Not too little, not too much. Just right"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means I love you. With every single flaw and imperfection, because we all have those. I have them too"

"Not very many of them" I hissed at her.

"Yes I do, but you don't see them. You see the good parts in me, the parts worthy of love. You choose to see right through my dark sides, because whether or not you know it, that's how much you love me" Normani told me, shaking her head lightly.

"I don't know how we can fix this"

"Neither do I. I can't force you to realize these things, I can't push them into your head. No matter how much I hope you'll learn to love yourself just as much as I do, I can't teach you to. You have to do it yourself"

"So what do we do?" I stuttered, fearing her answer.

"How about we just lay here for a bit?" Normani whispered against my skin.

I nodded at her words, letting myself cuddle up to her. Normani pulled me close to her, hugging me into her chest, while kissing my forehead.

I wondered if this is what love is supposed to feel like, like pain?

Can you really love someone so much your heart hurt?

Lying here, in Normani's arms made me feel safe, but somehow this felt so final, like maybe, this time it was for good. Maybe we were kids in love, being forced to finally grow up?

***

A/N

OMG😩

I loved writing this so much...I literally felt like crying😭😭

But I hope you guys enjoyed this small update💙