anathema ; phan

four

the sun shone and passed through the curtains, tickling my feet with the warmth and forcing my eyes open. i groaned.

i pushed myself out of my bed and started making my way towards the bathroom.

after getting out i picked my outfit for the day, skinny black ripped jeans and a black and white striped sweater that i literally drowned in. i ruffled my hair a bit and combed through the curls. long ago i had given up on straightening my hair, out of laziness more than anything.

i looked at the clock and realised that i got up kind of early today so i sat down on the bed for a while.

i had been feeling something very unusual today, it was almost as if i felt  happy, a feeling that i haven't experienced in quite a while, in years. i felt this bubbly feeling in my stomach and i didn't dread going to school like everyday. this whole thing was totally unfamiliar to me, and i was pretty sure it had to do with some certain blue-eyed boy.

yesterday we had walked home together and turned out he lived in the house opposite from mine, he moved here from rawtenstall because his father found a great job opportunity. when i found out we were neighbours i was extremely happy. i had a great hope i would find another phil like the one from my dreams, a hope that i would no longer feel empty, and it seemed like this hope was finally fulfilled.

i stood up and made my way downstairs to find my dad drinking a mug of coffee with today's paper in his hands.

"morning dad", i said and i think i actually smiled. something that i hadn't done in such a long time. surprise lit up his face and he gave me a matching smile in return.

"good morning son, feeling good today?"

"yeah you could say so", the smile on his face grew bigger as i said this.

i poured myself a bowl of cereal and started munching on it while staring into space absentmindedly.

dad has never been the same as he was before mum left us, and my relationship with him hasn't been the same. he kind of drifted away from the world, giving all his attention to work and only work. but i still loved him of course, he was all i had after all.

i remember the day mum decided she didn't want anything to do with us anymore, how she destroyed dad and broke him into pieces, how she broke me too. it was three years ago so i can recall every single detail...

"mum? dad? i need to tell you something.", i was fidgeting with my shaking fingers in my lap. i was so nervous about what their reaction might be when i tell them.

"yes honey? we're listening", my dad gave me an encouraging smile as he said this.

"well....i'm gay", i lifted my head to see the looks on their faces. my dad just smiled a genuine smile and was about to get up from the couch to give me a hug but was stopped by my mother as she had a look of disgust and hatred on her face.

"what the fuck? are you telling me my son is a fag?", she growled and shot up from her seat. i closed my eyes and prepared myself, i felt a sharp pain in my cheeks as she slapped me very harshly. tears welled up in my eyes and i got up and started running to my room.

"dan? dan, hold on it's okay", my dad said.

i reached my room and locked the door. i slid down to the ground and rested my back against the door, i started sobbing and shaking.

my mum hates me now. she probably doesn't want to look me in the eye ever again.

my chest shook with even more sobs as i thought of that.

"daniel it's me your father", i heard my dad say gently.