I'm Straight I Swear!? (BoyxBoy)

24- Burn

     "Sure sounds good. You should stay a while though, have something to eat...maybe go out for some drinks later?" I shook my head,

     "I'm sorry...I'm just..."

     "Preoccupied?" He interrupted, smiling, "don't worry, I get it. Go save the world or something, I'll be here if you need anything." I smiled, snatching back the keys I had lent him, much to his outrage. I kept ditching him...I always had ever since Matthew had died. They had been friends for a long time, and then we had become friends too, and the three of us would spend every day together, hanging out, drinking, dancing, we were inseparable which is why being alone with him is so hard, because when I am, I notice Matthew's absence that much more.

     I jangled the keys to my car in my hand as I walked down the street. Chase had looked crestfallen when I had shut the door, as if he had hoped that I might stay for once, although I never did. I guess I really was an asshole. Oh well. It wasn't like I wanted people to get close to me anyway. I liked my solitude, I liked lying on my bed with a record of memories on repeat, I liked drowning in my nostalgia, put simply, I liked Matthew and the moments when I closed my eyes and he appeared. There had been a few times where it had been Colin's face instead of his, that confident boyish smirk replacing the blushing cheeks, that square jawline digging into my collarbone where delicate features should have rested. Some part of me, felt like Colin had willingly gone to the camp just to get away from me...because I had pushed him too hard with my anger and hate that I still kept tight to my chest. But holding on to all of that, was like holding a grenade in the palm of my hand. Eventually, it'd explode, and I felt like it was choosing now. 

     As I walked all the feelings I had been denying came rushing force, and the gravel crunching my feet sounded like gunshots to my ears. The war zone of the heart is the most dangerous battle ground to navigate. I had left far too many casualties in my wake.

     Would Colin be another?

     Closing my eyes, I shook my head. No. No. No. No. I will not let that happen. The question was: was it even in my power to stop it? This plan that Chase and I had concocted was so holey that it could stand in as a religious artifact. Everything could so easily go wrong, and knowing my luck, it probably would. But still I pushed and pushed for action, I was running and fast. No longer could I simply stand by and watch as others lived their lives while I was out busy chasing down a ghost. Matthew had told me to live, and instead I had died right alongside him. Take me away, I had shouted to God, take me to him. But God only takes those he needs, and no one needs someone like me.

     Useless. Pathetic. When had I become so self-deprecating? Or maybe this is just what happens when everything falls apart, and you are finally able to see each individual thread that makes up the pattern of your being.

     Sighing, I opened the door to my house, immediately crashing on the couch. I was exhausted from thinking, and too many sleepless nights. I needed to rest, but of course, my mind had ever plans.

     As I fell quickly asleep, I began to dream. Clouds carpeted the floor while the cities took the place of the sky like stalagmites on the ceiling of a cave. I looked around, not understanding where I was, or why the world had turned itself upside down, and everything was so bright like the Earth had swallowed the sun itself. I squinted, trying to see, there was a figure in the distance that appeared like a mirage, all hazy and unclear. I tried to focus, tried to see if the figure was familiar, but it just stayed the same, even when I moved closer until I walked through it. Smoke and mirrors. Then a voice rang out, and turning, I saw Colin and Joey. They were enshrined in white ribbon, with glassy eyes and pale complexions. Shocked, at their doll-like appearance I backed up just as the voice whispered "help" the sound surrounding me, encompassing and consuming. It rang out loud and clear "help" over and over again "help"

     "I don't know how!" I answered.

     The voice did not reply, instead the cityscape crumbled around me, turning to glass as it did so that shattered at my feet, and reflected in all the fragments were a million little rainbows. I glanced up, confusion etched onto my face. Colin and Joey were still there, but the ribbon had begun to unwind, the loose ends flapping in the wind. I watched, as the fabric slowly disintegrated into numbers that looked like Bible Verses, noticing that the bodies of the boys themselves were clad in scripture that suddenly ignited into vibrant blue flame. "Burn" the voice whispered inside my head, "Burn." I reached out to douse the flames, crying out their names, realizing only too late that they were already gone, leaving only ash behind. 

     Amongst the ash were tiny bones arranged to form a hand that looked to be pointing right at me.

     I woke up, my head felt dizzy, my eyes were dry and I blinked over and over again, unable to clear the images from my head.