London

29 - "Don't cry."

"Afraid for what?"

"That there comes a point where I don't survive them."

"The panic attacks?" He asks and I nod. "Babe, they make you feel awful but they're not real. You're not going to die for real."

"That's not it," I try to explain, but he stops me once again.

"You'll be fine. Look, I know that I have behaved a little off lately, I'm just.. figuring stuff out, but we'll both be fine, okay?"

"I'm still going back," I tell him, knowing there's no way he's ever going to admit that I have a problem.

"No you are not. He fired you for a stupid reason. Nothing really happened. He shouldn't be such a dick."

"You were a dick to him, Harry and I lost a job. Another one. Classic fuck up for Alex," I speak and the moment the words leave my mouth, I break down again, realizing that I'm still a screw up and doing all the things I hate my parents for.

"Don't cry," he says soft and this time he does pull me close, exactly like I needed him too, but now it feels too late.

Harry's failing to see how I feel. I'm not sure why he feels the need to ignore it, maybe he can't deal with it now that he's feeling awful himself. So I muster the last strength I have and stop crying.

For him.

****

"I mean look at me," I rant to Liam.

"What about it?" He says, leaning his head in his hands as he slouches with his elbows on the table.

"Don't you see something different? I gained weight, that's for sure," I say looking in a small mirror that Nina uses for her makeup. The moment I notice my much more chubby cheeks, I realize it. "God, this is awful!"

Liam watches me as I touch my cheeks, moving them in all directions, but not managing to make them disappear. He's smart to keep his mouth shut as he probably knows that whatever he says will come of wrong. Even his silence is pissing me off a bit.

"I look like a different person. My hair, what's up with that?"

"I don't know," Liam says, clearly uncomfortable.

"It's darker. I don't like it."

"There's no sun here, mine turned a bit darker too," he explains, clearly happy to have something to add in this conversation.

"I don't look like myself."

"You do, there's nothing wrong with you. Please stop this."

"Harry says there's nothing wrong with me too, but I don't believe it. There's something wrong with me and I can't name it. I can't describe it, but it is eating me alive, Liam," I tell him and I got his attention now. He knows me well enough that I'm right. Feeling like I might break down again, I feel like the only thing I can do is continue. "I don't know what to do to open his eyes! Even when I'm in the middle of a panic attack he acts as if it's nothing. A month ago he was worried about me, but we never really talked about it. I didn't."

"Why not?" He asks soft. Like always there's pain written over his face when I talk about this stuff with him. Part of me wants to stop talking all together when I mention how I feel, because I don't want people to feel hurt because of me.

"Because of the outcome," I tell him, feeling myself slow down.

"And that is?" He says, hating that I'm dragging the subject.

"Well, whatever it is, we both don't want to talk or think about it. But I'm serious Liam. I'm not doing well and there will come a moment that I can't take it no longer."