My Life

July 17, 2017

I swear, all these goddamn chapters are gonna be about Michael in some way and I hate it because I wish I had more of a life to talk about, but like I said before, he is my life. Kms.

So let's start off with last night. I was sober and super depressed about Michael. I was breaking down, I was crying, I was just a complete mess. And my dumbass opens my closet, looks at the shelf where I put all the Michael stuff (Taylor, Bea, the ring, letters, etc), and almost looks back at all of it. I decided to try and not look at all that stuff by texting Michael and telling him to be rude af to me so I won't wanna look at everything. Michael, being the absolute perfect person he is, can't be rude with me. Instead, somehow, he made me smile. I seriously don't know how. Here I am, crying my eyes out, texting him in pain, and he made me smile. He didn't even say anything that should've made me smile honestly. Literally just having him reply to me made me smile in that moment when it usually makes me cry.

So I text him, I stop crying and I get happy for absolutely no reasonable reason, and I let him go so he can play Xbox with his sister. Tbh I think I smiled the happiest at the goodbye. Usually it's just a simple "Bye" and I'm like goddamn so basic and unemotional. But this time, he said "Bye~". That's not a big deal to most people but it made me feel like things weren't so empty. Stupid really because it's literally just a squiggly line with no meaning, but it made me happy so oh well.

So I went to practice this morning and it was absolute trash. Garbage. I was ready to kms. So it started off okay. I hit 50s with Jordan and then we just hit a little and I was actually doing pretty good. Then coach had me do some stupid stretches. Then he had me do this catching/running exercise. Then he had me hit with the ball machine. He was just getting on my nerves because I was doing all this alone and it was super pointless and oml it was just terrible. And the worst part is, I was abouta pass out.

So I usually can push myself really hard in tennis. No matter how tired I am, I can keep going. But oh god, I couldn't breathe. I was like gasping for air and you could literally hear my breaths because they were loud and I was wheezing. Not healthy. And then I had this chest pain, like my heart was about to give out. My body was just shutting down. At one point I just sat on the floor, my heart beating, my body feeling like nothing, my breathing heavy, and I could hear my own heartbeat, and feel it too. It's like my heartbeat was pounding in my head and it felt like my body was pounding along with my heart. It felt terrible. I couldn't do anything about it tho.

You know what I was thinking about when that was happening tho? Of course, the only thing I think about, Michael. Here I am, about to collapse, and all I can think about is him. How I wanted him next to me, holding my hand and telling me everything was okay. I just wanted him. In my weakest moments, and my strongest, I always want him next to me. I was super weak at that moment and all I could think about was him. Super sad actually.

Now I've taken a shower and I'm here, still thinking about him. Literally why is he all that's on my mind? Do I have nothing else to think about? Tbh I don't lol. Saaad.

MANNY THO! I WANNA STAB HIS DUMBASS! So Manny is Michael's cousin, and he posted on his Snapchat a picture of Michael cooking pancakes and he said "Get you a man that can cook (Hit him up his single)" and I wanted to stab him in his dick. Technically speaking, he did nothing wrong because Michael is single and all these motherfucking girls would be super damn lucky to hit Michael up and be his. But really bro? I post about Michael all the time and I know he sees my story! Then he gon post some dumb shit like that thinking I'm not gonna say anything?! Wrong. Honestly, I have no right to be saying anything, but still, Manny is a lil hoe and he is getting called out for this. I swear tho if any girls actually hit him up...I might kill them. I shouldn't because I have literally no right, but yolo tho, they're getting killed.

Goddamn, any girl would be lucky to have Michael tho. Oh fucking well tho cuz they aren't gonna be that lucky.

We aren't even dating and I'm still this jealous, irrational, and overprotective. Why am I like this? Kms.

So yeah, that's my life. Michael. Still. Only thinking about Michael. Hate myselffffff.