It's been 6 months and it's time for my Victory Tour.
Do I want to go? No.
Do I have to go? Yes.
Will President Snow sell me when I arrive in the Capitol? Most likely.
And it's odd. I'm not nervous about being sold. Or nervous about what to say or what to wear, of course. I'm not nervous or scared about anything. Except one thing, which, from time to time, freezes my blood, locks up my knees, and makes my muscles go tight- The thought that President Snow will kill my family if I don't follow his orders.
What if he does? He will. Or will he? I don't know. There's no way to tell.
The thought consumes me as Yemenda puts me in a dress I don't care about. I don't even bother to look down at it. All I know is it's made of velvet and it feels heavy on my body.
"So, are you excited to go on your Tour?" She asks.
"No."
"Well, you'll finally get to see all the other Districts!" She exclaims, shocked at my answer.
"And why should I care about the other Districts? In my own opinion, the only District I want to think about is this District. I don't even want to leave," I say.
"Sorry, sweetie," She says in a voice that lets me know she's not actually sorry. I roll my eyes. I don't like Yemenda. She's too... Capitol-ish.
When I'm forced to close my eyes so my prep team can apply my eyeshadow, I almost start to tremble, because in my mind, the team isn't the team, they're just another couple of murderers set out to kill me. They're preparing to stab me.
I open my eyes as soon as possible, and am so thankful I didn't have a panic attack. Otherwise, well... I can't afford to embarrass myself anymore at this rate.
Our first stop is District 12. When I get onto the stage, the first thing I notice is how the Peacekeepers aren't as horrific here as in every other District in Panem. I really wish my District was like that- with Peacekeepers who really don't care what you do, as long as it's not completely and utterly stupid.
"Hello, people of District 12. My name is Johanna Mason, and I'm from District Seven..." I begin, and I tell them about how I like their District. But I don't say any words about the dead tribute's family, who are roped off in a special area, because I didn't know them.
District 11. 10. 9. 8. We skip Seven, since that's my home District and that'll be the very last stop. Still, as we pass it, I watch out the window as it passes by, and still sit on the seat long after it's gone.
In fact, I'm still sitting there, muscles stiff, when we arrive in District Six.
District 5. 4. 3.
District 2 isn't what you would call a bad district, but the way everyone pretty much hates me here makes me feel like it is. As I step onto the stage to talk about my victory and such, I glance at Kirel's family, and then...
Hensa's family. Their eyes, when looking at me, are full of hate. How would Hensa feel, if she was on the stage in District 7, looking at my family as they glared at her through eyes filled with sorrow and pain and hate?
I can't even think about it, can't even get myself to look at them again. But when my time is almost up, all I can think about is how I killed their daughter, and how it's my fault they cried, and how it's my fault because I'm a murderer. It's my fault because she didn't kill me - I killed her.
I'm about to say the last couple of lines. But I stand, frozen, as the crowd stares at me, hating me but trying not show it.
I look down at the card I'm reading from. Then I look back up, at the crowd, at Kirel's family, and even at Hensa's family.
I am a murderer.
I crumble up my note cards and throw them across the stage, determined to do this Victory Tour my way, not President Snows.
"How about we start this over?' I say. "Hello, people of District Two. My name is Johanna Mason, I'm from District 7, and I am a murderer. To the family of Hensa: Yes. I killed your daughter. To the family of Kirel: Yes, I killed your son. And you have every right to hate me for it. I know you do. But what choice did I have?" I ask, taking the microphone from the stand.
"None. I didn't have a choice. Because I was a part of the Games that the Capitol makes. And yes, I played them by the Capitol's rules. Not by choice, no. But by force!" I say, my voice reaching to the very back of the crowd.
I pace back and forth on the stage, still determined. "And yes, I did kill people. But why do you hate me? Because I did exactly what your daughter-" I look at Hensa's family. "And your son-" I say, looking at Kirel's family "-both did. Maybe you didn't know, but both of them killed other children, and there's a good chance their families are weeping right now as well!" I proclaim.
"I would know. I was there. In the District that the families I saw were crying because of what your child did!"
I inhale sharply, and stand in the center of the stage.
"I'm sorry you all lost your children, I really am. I know it's my fault, and I know how much you have hated me, still do, and always will, because I survived and your child or brother or sister didn't. I know. But I deserved that crown, and I got it!"
A bit angry now, I say: "And maybe your child did, too. But life isn't fair, is it?" I say.
I put the microphone back.
And walk off the stage.
