This Ain't Lust

C H A P T E R 22

Corbin had a really lonely night by eating ramen, Kardashians are having their very own Kardashians drama again, CNN posting photos of Grace Hoffer alone in the MoMA. Another news site posting about "Where is Derek Hoffer?"

I have a strong sense of foreboding that Gavinski's visit has got to do with this. I continues to browse the page, there must be more to this.

My breathing went stricken as if my lung function decided to close its operation. I went blank, covered my mouth with my wet hand.

Finally, I figure out what shocks the whole world today. There pictures of Derek Hoffer with an unidentified woman being photo through the CCTV footage of the hotel where Derek picks me up.

The picture wasn't clear though, but then, it was enough to guess that the chin of this man belongs to Derek. The whole picture shows Derek's hand on the steering wheel and my white dress, our face weren't captured, except for Derek's chin when he move forward to get something from the glove compartment.

I close the tap, picking up my speed and run down to search for Derek. I almost trip from the stair but I manage to grab the handrail.

I'm still holding to my phone, with the picture, so I won't have to explain further.

They were both at the study, Derek props both his hand on the table, looking tremendously stress. Gavinski stood beside, as if waiting for him to say yes or no. I don't know what they have plan earlier, but it definitely involved getting rid of me, the parasite.

'I saw the news.' I said calmly, walking inside the room. They abruptly turn to me. I didn't care what Gavinski is thinking now, because the last thing I want is destroying Derek's career. Nevertheless, Gavinski retreated and let us to be on our own. I thank him for that.

I look at Derek, but his eyes shows no sign of confident anymore. I saw uncertainty washed over him when he look at me. He brushes his hair and scrunching them in exasperation.

'Do you have a plan?' I asked him firmly. I would never want to show him my clinginess. My eyes shows no weakness, I want to help him. It's part of my fault to start this affair.

'We probably should stop seeing each other for a while.' His eyes avoided me, but his words stabbed me real hard. It felt like Leonardo throwing Kate Winslet into the sea while she is screaming "I'm flying". I knew this will inevitably turn out like that. I'm just a list waiting to be crossed.

While I'm struggling to stay sane at this moment, after he spill those toxic words, the reason I'm still standing at this ground was because I don't know how I should get back to New York. And the worst thing is, we will still be taking the same flight back. 'I'll pack my stuff and get an uber taxi to drive me back to New York.' I said spitefully. I have to run away from Derek, he is going to break my heart.

Whenever I met with any sort of crisis. I run. When I saw my dad with Aunt Lucy, I run. When I can't complete my law degree, I run. When my nerdy boyfriend wants to initiate break up, I run and avoided him at all cost. But this time, it's Derek. I could have run away when I know it's wrong to hook up with a married man, but I didn't. I lured myself to the sun only to get myself burn, melted, destroyed.

Magic, madness, heaven, sin. Everyone of them falls under my category. He is a magic and yet, a sin. A truffle sandwich full of gluten.

'Can you change my flight schedule? I don't wanna fly back with you.' There, I declared my boundaries. I'll say it's a boundaries and not war. I have no heart to hate him, hating people is tiring.

His shut his eyes for a quick second and nodded bitterly. At least he felt remorseful. I wasn't just a fling, I guess. I don't believe Derek took me all the way to the beach house for a fling, we could just have make out during cocktails session in his balcony and start our coitus activities in his room next.

---

I held back my tears, I cannot cry here, in this house that isn't mine. It's better to cry in mine and have some cheap wine along, because this is obviously a crisis. I sniff and swallowed my saliva hard to distract my tears from flowing out.

'We can arrange for a driver to bring you back to New York, Miss Woods.' Gavinski knocked on my door. I wasn't expecting him, and he might just be the last person on this planet I would love to talk with. Where is my Superman? He is suppose to do this talking instead of General Zod.

'It's okay, I don't think it's a good idea to accept anymore help from the White House.' My lip stays flat after that. I can't smile like I used to when I was on duty.

He still stood at my door, no further step is initiated. 'I hope you won't take it personally, but this is Derek, President Derek Hoffer we are talking about, billion dollars spent on his campaign to get him to where he is now.'

'Of course, absolutely.' I answered, this is fucking bullshit . 'Do me a favour, Mr. Gavinski, I hope you can extend your power to stop me from being in the same flight with Derek next time.' I requested and zip my bag as savage as possible. Gavinski leave a space for me to pass through the door. I storm right out, I don't give a damn about how they are going to solve Derek's scandal.

Well, they can sure as hell solve it, a bunch of experts public relation officers could orchestrate any sort of lies to convince the public.

I halted my footstep. I have to give Gavinski the white dress. I am such an idiot for being considerate to him even when my anger of being betrayed by Derek have boiled to the top of my head.

I unzip my bag, pulling out the white dress that I wore that day. I turn back and Gavinski were eyeing me suspiciously. 'This is the dress that I wore in the CCTV footage, if it is helpful.' I shrugged, the only way to save my pride is to be nonchalant. I handed the dress to him when he came to take it.

He nodded and speak softly, hint of appreciation is detected through his voice. 'We'll see what we can do with that.'

'You can burn it or throw it away, see if I care.' I took my bag and walk away, for real. This is a nightmare, a beautiful nightmare to have thought that Derek would actually keep me with him when the scandal spreads out. I'm dying to know how this end, but I never thought it would be that fast.

When I saw Derek leaning against the couch, my heart died a little. I'm holding back my tears to save some dignity left inside me. I'm just the other woman. He stood up, both his hands is tucked inside his pocket, like he is trying to stop himself from touching me. No more touching.

'I'm sorry.' He look up at me. Even though my emotions were very unstable right now, but it didn't slip away the fact that Derek looks as hurtful as I am. I felt anger notches up, to the point where I want to hurt him in every way I can hurt him.

I took a sharp breath. 'You remember you told me what's the scariest part of loving a person?' I peered at his eyes, and with trembling voice, I continued, 'that is you don't know if they are wearing mask. Obviously you fulfill my sharing a cheesecake fantasy, but you can't share it with me in a coffeeshop, you initiate a date,' I gestured at this house, 'but we are only allowed to spend inside here. But who cares about that when I can have all of you to myself? Now we are done, Derek, you choose your career without a second thought about how I feel, when I decided to be the woman you hide in your shadow. We. Are. Done.' I walked away, turning away with the first tear that will stream down my cheek. He can never see that, Rachel Woods will never allow that.

The last thing that will haunt me will be the his face. I must have shoot the arrows to his core. The indescribable pain he decides to endure, the inability to fight back with me, I will never forget this moment. I never said anything that harsh to my previous boyfriends, because I never gave all my feelings and they are not the people I want to spend forever with. But, with Derek, I was crazy enough to have thought of what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with, because all the while, there has never been the rest of our life to begin with.