3 am thoughts - sad stories :(

It was her

So there's this little feeling beneath my everyday smile and cheers. The feeling of being not good enough. It's common. Everyone feels it. Whether it's among their own peers, best friends, lovers, you mention them. But every once in a while, it gets a little overwhelming. Cross that. Indeed, it was too overwhelming. For me, to say the least.

Being your typical insecure-but-nevertheless happy teenage fuck-up, I always try to make sure everything eventually ends in a good silence. In a decent place. I care for things. For my friends. My school grades. My family. My sister. My parents. I care about a lot. But the stupid thing is, I tend to be selfless.

The selfless-self I am, I put everyone right ahead of me. I make sure that my best friend gets the guy she wants, I make sure she's happy and then I go to sleep. I try to make sure that my boyfriend smiles before he goes to bed, saying things he wants to hear – yet it kills me to say what he wants to hear. But it wasn't about me. It was about him – being happy, wasn't it? I wanted to make sure my girl friends are enjoying the time they spend when with me, so I spend a couple extra pennies to make sure they'd want to spend more time with me – because I'd pay extra pennies for them.

Then again, that's me being selfless. Not being careful. Not being attentive. I didn't care where I was going down or when. I just randomly jump to different rabbit holes that I find reachable to climb out from, which we all know – is nearly impossible.

The best friend eventually gets what she wanted. The boy of her dreams. Partially because of me. Let's not be selfless. It was all my doing. He checks in to me occasionally, to make sure she's OK. And she was. So it was her he cared about. It wasn't me. He didn't spend 30 minutes on the phone, making small talks and by the end of the last 10 minutes, he did indeed – check on her, again. So what was all this minutes to hours call thing about? If you wanted to talk to me, call me. If you want to know about her, call and ask her.

After he ended the call, I asked myself, was I OK? No. But who cares?

The sister later gets a brand new bag from the Mother. I helped her. I made sure she gets the right bag and says the right words to her. Thankfully she did. And here I was, hoping she'd give me extra dollars so I can afford my own bag. But she didn't.

After she received the bag, I asked myself, do I want a bag? Yes. But who cares?

My boyfriend was happy that he got to spend hours with me at the mall, finding the perfect shirt and purchasing it on my behalf. It was nice, seeing him happy and all. Making the day all about him, without planning it, as usual. Talking through the thicks and thins of the day, holding myself from talking back to things that he said – that doesn't make any sense. Pleasing him with the softest kisses I could serve, and yet, by the end of the night, he still asked for more. And that's what he got.

After ending the night with goodbye kisses, I asked myself, was I happy? No. But who cares?

The next day, whispers were heard, and gasps followed it. It was her. The best friend and the boyfriend, making their way through the hallway, side-by-side, laughing. I didn't think it was a bad thing. She was my closest friend, my sister, and he was, well - my boyfriend. I spent the day thinking and replaying the smile that was painted all over his face this morning. The way he was talking to her, it was like there was something more.

I didn't think it through. But then it struck me.

It was her.

It has and was never been me.

The mall dates, the movie dates, the diner dinner dates, the ice skating dates, it was never just the two of us. She was always there. Whether it was with the other dudes, or the guy she was supposedly seeing - she's always there. She may not notice anything he does, but that's what's amazing about him. Smooth. Steady. Ready to action.

It was her.

Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't the girl who gave up half of her time for him, not enough? How can he see that? How can she be so naïve?