I Never Knew...

Too Far Gone.

I watch my ceiling in a contemplative silence.

My sister and mom were at work, my brothers were at school, and my dad had left us a year ago. I was alone in this house after faking ill this morning.

Why? You ask, well I was planning to end it all. To end all this suffering. What was the point anyways?

I looked over to my shelf, I knew it was there, right under that lamp, the sharp object that I had ripped my skin open with so many times before.

I got off my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My brown eyes are so dull, my purple and black hair is a mess, my thin frame looked as displeasing as ever.

I looked at the stupid flaws of my body; my nose that was a bit too round at the end, my acne, my too thin lips, my short eyelashes, my oddly shaped face that was neither square, nor round, my eyebrows in general, my small breasts, and my uncurvy hips.

I was wearing a sports bra and spandex shorts, I could see most of myself and I had never been happy with how I looked. No one has ever even asked me out sadly, I'm just an ugly, useless person.

I walked over to my shelf and lifted up the lamp, there it was. I stared at it and it stared back, daring me to pick it up. I did. I walked into my bathroom and started filling up the tub as I set my razor on the edge of the tub.

I looked my reflection in the eyes, "I will do this. I will not chicken out. There is no turning back. There is no reason to stay." After that I slipped myself into the half filled tub and shut off the water.

I let my body soak in the warm water for a while, while I gathered the umph to go through with this. I slowly lifted my right hand out of the water and reached towards the object ready to help end me.

It was cold, I felt a shiver run through me. I looked at the object as I held it up in front of me, how can something so small do so much damage? I thought.

I hesitantly raised my left arm out of the water and placed the cold metal to my skin goodbye world, goodbye YouTubers that helped me through so much, I will miss you, but I won't be missed. At that, I pushed down on the blade and drug it across my scarred skin.

I pushed down with much more strength than I ever had. I could hear the sound of my skin ripping open, I was used to this noise after countless nights and days of destroying my body.

At first I didn't feel it, but in seconds I screamed out in agony that I didn't know I could feel anymore. I finished the cut, it was so deep. Blood was already pooling out of the wound, the water had turned a crimson colour as I whimpered and cried at the pain.

I quickly switched the razor to my left hand and lifted my right arm to the blade, I was in so much pain that I could hardly think straight. I pressed the blade down hard and drug it roughly through my vulnerable skin. I screamed even louder this time, the pain was unbearable, I wanted it to end soon.

I deserved this though, I was the reason for so much pain in people's lives around me. I needed to feel this pain. I was meant to go through this agony that pulled me away from life slowly.

I dropped the blade and felt myself start to lose conscious, I closed my eyes accepting my fate. Before I had completely passed out I heard a scream, but I was too far gone to care. Then darkness. Nothing.