Teach Me How To Love

It Ain't Me

     "First I have to ask, why?"

     "Why did it happen?" I pondered if that's what he meant.

     "Why did you let it happen?" His question stung. If I admitted that it was my idea and that I pushed Demi, what was he going to say or do?

     "I guess I wanted to know, what it was like."

     "So you like girls all of a sudden?"

     "That's completely..." I took in air, "I just know how I feel with Demi."

      "So it's her?"

     "I don't know. Demi and I just, we understand each other."

     "Like friends typically do." Nick stated as a fact.

     "It's more than that." I whispered, not trying to say too much on the matter. I still wasn't sure what she and I were, or what we were getting ourselves into. But I knew I wanted this.

      "So you had to know what being with her was like?"

     "She's kind of hypnotizing." I snickered, although Nick didn't find it funny. His gaze only hardened as I bit my bottom lip.

     "You're not even regretting your actions."

     "I didn't want to hurt you. That has always been something lingering in the back of my mind. But I also didn't want to neglect what I was feeling."

     "Do you even hear yourself?!" He no longer focused on me, looking out towards the darkness as I nodded.

      "At least I'm not lying about it. I'm telling you everything. Whatever it is that you want to know, I'll tell you." We stood in one spot so long, the lamp shining on us flicked off. My heart began to calm down as Nick snickered to himself before shaking his head. When he did gaze back at me however, his questions came one after the other.

     "Are you in love with her? Is that why you're doing this?"

     "I-I'm still trying to figure out what this is."

     "And what do you expect me to do? Allow your little fling with her to go on?"

     "You don't really have a say so in anything that I do." I lied, even I didn't believe my words. I knew this was a stupid battle I was getting myself into, but the way his words fell of his tongue kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

     "I have no say?!" He raised his voice. "I'm your damn boyfriend! You're cheating on me and I have no say? I can't do anything about it?!" His voice was filling the air. Never in a million years have I thought something like this would be going on with me.

      "Nick." I could feel the drumming of my heart against my chest. "I know this sounds stupid and I'm not making up any excuses. This isn't making sense to me either but I've never felt so much..." I grew silent, knowing what I would have to say to him. "It's not right for me to drag you through this."

     "So you're going to cheat on me and then what? Break up with me?"

       "I still love you." My words actually chilled me because I could feel the truth in it. It surprised even me how I could carry on this entire conversation without choking up. But the moment I spoke those familiar words to him, my eyes began to water. "I do still love you." I nodded as I said it once more. "But...I think I might love her too."

     Silence.

     Nick stood before me with this scrutinizing gaze. I found myself standing before him trying to process the words I had just said, but knowing they were the truth. At least, they were my truth.