London

25 - "I'm not the one fucking Susie."

"If we talk I always tell him how lucky he is that you stuck around through all his bullshit and that he shouldn't even dare thinking about leaving you through all yours."

"What does he say then?" I ask suddenly very interested. I thought they rarely talked anymore.

"Just that I should shut up talking about you guys leaving one another. I don't think he'll ever see that as a possibility again."

I smile at that. It feels like he's really trying and so am I in my own way. Liam and I talk some more, but I can tell he wants a moment for himself before he starts work so I get up to leave.

"Have a good shift," I say and he waves me out of the front door.

Feeling instantly cold I decide to walk a bit further to another bus stop in hopes that I won't feel so trapped. Being outside helps, but once I step foot inside the bus the feeling of being watched and faking my way through life overtakes me again. Luckily I have travelled this trail loads of times so I can almost do it blindly.

Tired and glad to be home, I walk to our bed and take off my suffocating clothes. Completely naked I slide under the sheets where I fall asleep. Happy to not feel anything.

****

"Where is the stuff you were going to buy?" Harry asks as he enters the room, just finished from work.

I'm on the couch after waking up just in time before Harry would be back. It isn't until he reminds me that I realize I promised to pick up some essentials for dinner on my way back from Liam. I was too busy coming home without having a major freak-out that I didn't even think about stopping by the store. For a moment I want to lie to him and say it was closed or that I was feeling ill, but when I look to him and remember Liam's words, I don't want to lie to him.

"I forgot," I say standing up to face him. "I'm sorry, I was so.. distracted on my way back."

"What happened then?"

"Nothing really, I just wanted to come here as quickly as possible. It never crossed my mind."

"You do want this right? I cancelled another appointment so that we could cook together."

"I do, I told you that," I say. 

Yesterday when we went out to eat sushi it was clear that Harry doesn't even like sushi that much and he had to brag that he could make it himself and that it would be a lot better. He promised to make it together tonight and I had looked forward to it, but it completely slipped my mind on my way back from Liam. 

"Well, I don't know when you are telling the truth and when you're not," he tells me and he walks into the kitchen where he must see that it's still the exact same mess. "I see you did nothing productive."

"Geez, thanks," I mumble. He's clearly referring to the fact that I didn't buy groceries and didn't clean.

"What? It is the truth. I thought we talked about this, Alex."

"About what, Harry?" I ask back, pronouncing his name in the same, awful way he does mine.

"About how you need to talk to me more!"

"Talk or do more in the household? I am kind of confused about what you want me to do."

He curses under his breath and for some twisted reason it satisfies me to fight him this way. How does he expect me to talk and explain what I'm feeling when he acts like this? On top of that, I don't really know how I feel or what is going on right now. We're doing fine for at least twenty-four hours. I guess our time is up again.