London

8 - "All I want for Christmas is you."

"That's settled then, I'll wrap myself up in Christmas wrapping paper."

"There's nothing I want to unwrap more than that," he says and he rolls his stool towards me. "Are we doing presents?"

"That's why I'm here. I mean it is Christmas in a few days and I don't know what to give you."

"I'm not that difficult and I wasn't lying that all I want is you. I don't like that we will be with your family and then with mine. We won't have any time to ourselves."

"We have Christmas eve together. That's something."

"So we'll give each other gifts then?" He wonders.

"But I don't know what," I moan. "Can't you just give me an idea?"

"There's nothing material that can make me happier than spending time with you," he says dead serious and although it is sweet and I agree, I have a list of presents to ask him that seem a bit dull now.

"So no gifts then?"

"Nah, let's just spend some time together," he says.

The doorbell rings and we both look up to see who it is and I let out a breath when I see it's not Pascal. Which reminds me I should be going.

"I'm off then," I tell him standing up from his bench. "You missed a spot there."

He smiles when he sees my butt imprint in the leather and sprays some of his Dettol on it. I watch him clean it as I close my coat and try to balance all my gifts. Especially the booze is extremely heavy and it makes me wonder if I should take it home. Maybe it is best to just keep it here and Harry can bring it home on the 24th of December.

"Harry?" I ask. "Can you keep my aunt's and uncle's presents here?"

He frowns for a moment but gets what I mean as I hand him over the bag and he hears the ringing of the bottles.

"You can just keep it here and bring it home before Christmas okay?" I explain and he nods, accepting the bag. "Thanks. See you tonight then?"

"It will be late," he says. "We're having a Christmas party."

"Oh," I mumble. I'd like a good party for once but since I'm not welcome here, I'm not sure what else to do. "Maybe I'll head out to Liam's then."

"Yeah, yeah, you could," he says mindlessly, checking his appointment book.

The guy walking in just now must be his customer. I'm surprised he's not saying anything about the alcohol or me wanting to visit Liam since the last time it didn't go so well. He also seems to have forgotten our conversation yesterday that kept me wide awake all night. He was sound asleep when my alarm went off.

"I'm not sure if I'll come home then, it is such a long way to travel," I say and the childish side of me is only saying it to beg a reaction out of him.

"Okay." He looks up from his notebook and gives me a smile. "See you tomorrow then?"

"Sure," I tell him, walking away without a kiss or hug. Outside I can't help but look inside for just a moment and watch him greet his customer.

The bright smile on his face tells me he's in his element. He never looked like that while saving someone especially children or while keeping me in track. With ease he guides the guy to his booth and I can tell there's not a worry in the world for him.

When we met, Harry was such a different guy. He was closed off, but somehow he persuaded me to open up to him within days. He'd keep things from me out of a promise or deal. Our fights were usually about Rosie. He would listen to my stories about my father. And throughout our relationship he changed.

He would open up more, slowly let me in on his private life and the things that made him the Harry he was. Somehow through the years we were apart he was able to let go of his problems. He's even in touch with his mother. I'm still surprised when I see his phone light up and am able to read it is a message from his mother. If you'd told him that years ago he'd laughed so hard and never believed it. And neither would I.

Just like how I couldn't believe when I first went to Palas that I'd come home with another boyfriend who had trouble committing. I went there with such different ideas. Make money, pay off my father's debts, definitely not cheating and losing every idea or plan I ever had.

Back then I might have been a little boring and in a relationship that makes me cringe just thinking back to it, but I was in a better place than I'm in now. I realized it the moment I decided to move back to England that I want to be like that girl again. Some things will never be the same like the loss of my father and mother, but I can't keep dwelling on that. A change needs to happen or I'll never be able to feel happy outside of the good moments I share with other people.

I want to find a job that makes me smile like being a tattoo artist does to Harry. I want to smile throughout the whole day and I never used to think about that five years ago. It was never something conscious, I'd just smile or not. No big deal.

It is a big deal these days. It has been for a while and somehow I thought that getting back together would solve it because after he left for England that's when smiling or just feeling happy became a problem for me. He really is my true love, I know that for sure every moment I share with him, even when we fight. I knew it too last night when he told me he doesn't want children anytime soon. It hurts because I think that by coming back here, trying to be that innocent girl again, I also expected things to move forward with Harry. I never had that with Thomas. I used to be the one to slow us down, trying to not move too fast.

I'm trying to be the Alex I was. That's the true reason I stopped drinking and smoking. I never needed it back then. That feeling only ever occurred to me in Palas, but I realize that it will stay with me in London if I don't really work on it. I just don't know how and Harry doesn't seem to realize how much it bothers me. He thinks that if we talk things through, they're done, out of the way. I wish it would work that way for me.

It does for Harry. He worked passed his problems like it is no biggie and he's okay now. Happy. And I realize as I watch him, that I'm starting to hate him for it. Because I was happy before he started to meddle with my life. I was completely fine and from the moment I met him he turned my life upside down and took all my dreams with him. And even now he's keeping my dreams from me. Because that Alex from five years ago wanted nothing more than to have children and I never expected that desire to come back, but it did. And he's taking it away from me, again.