UGLY | T.KOOK

一番目

air catches in the recesses of jeongguk’s throat and he can’t breathe. water falls; streams of dissatisfaction and contempt cascading into the drain as tears begin to find themselves stuck within the thin hold of jeongguk’s lashes.

he looks to his gaunt stomach, grabbing unpleasantly at the thin embodiment of emaciated bones. jeongguk sees nothing wrong with these bones, nothing of his narrowed ribcage or malnourishment; all he sees is the fat, the blubber.

he traces constellations over each bone and frowns, silently chastising himself for eating that leftover bowl of ramen, because of course he’d gained at least a pound or two, maybe three.

his lips are closed, sealed, as he quickly scurries to the scale, and it takes an insurmountable amount of effort to keep himself there as a digital set of numbers appear beneath him.

107.5lbs.

and jeongguk smiles. each pound lost is like an epiphany for him because then he sees someone small; someone thinner, someone beautiful. if seen by anyone, though, the indefinite curves of his deteriorating structure can be seen, but, as per usual, he doesn’t care.

he buttons his shirt and meanders out of the bathroom, deciding that he’ll substitute lunch for a freshly brewed mug of chamomile tea before leaving out of his apartment.

jeongguk works at the nearby family-mart, a small convenience store just three blocks from his apartment. his life functions from the same daily routine and sometimes he wonders what it’d be like to have a real job.

however, his wonderment vanishes the minute he reaches the elevator, his stomach growling mercifully as he begins to feel commonly famished and lightheaded, but, of course, he ignores it altogether.

jeongguk has passed out so many times from not eating that it’d be impossible to count. he’s come to understand how to live with the impetuous heartbeat and clouded vision before he falls into complete unconsciousness.

he ignores the curious stares of fellow onlookers as he leans against the cold elevator wall and closes his eyes. maybe the dizziness would stop if he calmed himself and counted to ten.

─but it doesn’t.

by the time he even reaches seven, he’s slinking down to the floor with blurred vision and sweaty palms as he shuts out the bright fluorescents.

he tries to stand, but a soothing voice and a comforting palm against his pale cheek instruct him to do otherwise. the man’s voice is calm and collected and if jeongguk didn’t know any better, he’d think he heard it before.

“hey, why don’t you just sit for a few moments?”

the stranger looms closer to him as his palm moves to his forehead, and jeongguk can’t do much to fend off the exhaustion so he complies, frown deepening as he leans into his nurturing touch.

the last thing he sees is the ominous brown of the man’s gucci-brand shoes before his eyes close, mouth agape as he succumbs to familiar darkness.

─;;

“you’re fifteen minutes late.” seokjin scolds, taking immediate notice of the creaking door and the accustomed chime of the bell as his employee makes his belated entrance.

jeongguk bows apologetically, heading into the very back of the store to get his smock before he’s returning to the front, “sorry, hyung, it won’t happen again.”

“it better not. don’t make me regret giving you this job, kid.” he beckons a finger at one of the aisles, “now go stock the rest of those boxes.”

jeongguk nods at once and does as he’s told, sauntering in the direction of the dried grains aisle. two boxes of newly-delivered ramen await him and he sticks his earphones in his ears as he begins stocking the shelves.

when he’s finished he saunters to the cash register, his eyes glued to volume four of his sailor moon comic books as he hums vicariously to the soothing melody of IU’s voice.

in doing so, he doesn’t take notice of the entrance of a customer and it’s only when a hand slaps down two cups of beef ramen onto the counter that he removes an earphone.

he immediately glances up to see a man staring down at him. upon closer inspection, he distinguishes the same pair of gucci-brand loafers and he knows then and there that it’s the same guy from earlier.

“you do work here, right?” the man asks with a smile so big that anyone would’ve found him adorable.

jeongguk nods, afraid that if he says something he’ll fuck everything up and say something dumb. the man is handsome and even though he knows he doesn’t stand a chance, he still doesn’t want this to be awkward.

his cheeks and neck flush red as he rings up the items and the stranger hands him the money. when he’s finished, the man thanks him for his service and takes one cup of ramen, leaving the other on the counter.

“sir, you’re forgetting─”

“it’s yours,” he says, meeting jeongguk’s eyes again as he shoves the cup in his direction, “here, you didn’t eat lunch today either.”

jeongguk’s heart quickens and his brows furrow, “what are you talking about? i wasn’t hungry.”

“liar,” the stranger is smiling bigger than ever before now and jeongguk knows he’s been figured out, “you’re always hungry.”