A Muslim's Romantic Journey

Chapter 30.

I took the bus and reached home in half an hour. It felt a lot longer. The nearer I got, the more I wanted to be in my mother's arms. The whole way I kept telling myself to act normal. I practiced my fake smile by smiling to friendly looking strangers. It was extremely difficult and it took a lot of energy. When I got home, the little wall I had built to block my emotions, threatened to crack. But I had to be strong. The last thing I wanted was for dad, Uncle Yahya and Hamza to go knocking on Yusuf's door. No matter how much I explained to them everything was my fault, they would surely give Yusuf a piece of their mind for telling me to go home.

I opened the door and stepped into the house. Amaan was the first to see me. 

"Safia? What are you doing here?" He asked excited. "Mum! Safia's here." Mum came from the living room.

"Safia! Asalamu’alaykum." She said holding her arms out.

“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” I whispered, afraid of my voice cracking. I gave her a hug, a lump forming in my throat. But even if I wanted to cry, I couldn't. I had cried all my tears already.

"Safia, what happened?" My mum asked concerned when she saw my suitcase.

"Yusuf said I could come home for a while. I missed you guys." I said. I wondered whether it would count as a lie although Yusuf did tell me to go and I did miss my mum. I put on a big smile to look convincing.

“Hamza! Come and take Safia’s suitcase to her room!”

“Mum, I’m not a guest! I can do it myself.” Now was not the time for mum to be extra nice to me. I wanted to feel like I was at home. But I don’t think my mum saw it in that way. I was a guest. I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong anywhere.

“Why do you have a suitcase?” Hamza asked coming down the stairs.

“Aslamu’alaykum. Can I not stay with my mum for a few days?” I asked putting an arm around mum. Hamza paused narrowing his eyes slightly. He was still trying to work out what was wrong. He stopped talking to me for two weeks because I was apparently ‘rude’ to him on the day Amy came. I apologized and things went back to normal but he was trying his best to get me to tell him why I was upset.

To get through the evening, I distracted myself in any way I could. I was grateful Hafsa didn’t come to see me. Hamza alone was too much for me to deal with. Hafsa, Hamza and Amy were the three people who could see right through me. Them, and Yusuf. I quickly dismissed the thought of him. But he was always there, lingering in the back of my mind.

The day was coming to an end. I felt relieved at first; glad I could get away from everyone. But as soon as I was alone, it felt like a huge rock had been placed on my chest. I got out of my room to see Hamza and Amaan were still up, playing the Wii in Amaan’s room. Maryam and I played a lot of Wii. The thought of Maryam caused a whole different kind of pain.

I took a few deep breaths and stared at the walls, taking in the pattern. I focused on the cream and maroon colours and imagined how the pattern would look if it was a bright green. It stopped me from thinking about Yusuf and Maryam. Then I went into Hamza and Amaan’s room. I sat down behind them and watched them play.

 You know nothing about hardships.

Every problem that I had ever faced usually wore off after I watched some TV or played a game. I realized I really didn’t know anything about hardships until that moment. For the first time, I had to force laughter on jokes that would usually make me laugh so naturally. I had to pretend to be interested in whatever was on TV. These were probably the feelings Yusuf must have gone through in his life. Was this what he was going through now? Did he love me enough to feel how I was feeling? A part of me wanted him to be upset without me. But I didn’t want Yusuf to be unhappy. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him smile and laugh. But I had caused wounds which couldn’t heal so quickly.

“Earth to Safia!” Hamza said waving his hand in my face. I had to stop zoning out. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“We need to talk.” He was going to question me. I followed him into my room.

“Is everything okay between you and Yusuf?” Hamza asked.

“Why would you ask that?” I said with a scoff as if he was being ridiculous. As if it was impossible for anything to be wrong between me and Yusuf.

“Safia?”

“Hamza.” I was trying to dodge the question. I didn’t want to lie to him.

“Fine, I’ll ask him myself.”

“No!” I felt panicked. I couldn’t tell him everything, especially because it involved Amy. I couldn’t tell him about Amy’s past without her permission.

“What happened?” Hamza asked again.

“I’ll tell you if you promise you won’t ask Yusuf about it.” Hamza thought for a moment.

“Fine.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay. Yusuf and I had a little fight.” I said not looking at him.

“What did he say to you?” This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone. They immediately assumed Yusuf did something wrong.

“It’s not what he said to me, it’s more what I said to him.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I didn’t want to stay with him.”

“Why?”

“Because… Because…” I tried to think of a way of twisting the truth so that I wasn’t lying but Hamza wouldn’t know exactly what happened. “His mum…”

“Aunt Juweria?” Hamza looked like he didn’t believe me.

“She asked me to do some chores. I complained about it a little to Yusuf and we ended up in a fight.”

“You had a fight because she asked you to do chores? Safia!” Hamza said my name in annoyance. “You left your house for that?”

“Look, things got a little intense. We just need some time to cool off.”

“Well I think you’ve cooled off enough. This is silly, you’re going back tomorrow.” Hamza said sternly.

“No! I’m staying.”

“Safia, stop being stubborn. You’re a married woman with responsibilities.”

“Just trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

“There was more to the fight wasn’t there?” He asked. I nodded. Hamza had a worried expression which I rarely saw on him. “And you’re not going to tell me are you?”

“I can’t. Just pretend everything is okay with me. Keep this between us. I’ll tell you everything when it gets better.” If it gets better, I wanted to add.

“Has this got something to do with why you’ve been like this for the past month?”

“Yeah, things were just building up and I exploded.” I thought Hamza was going to tell me off. Instead, he nodded understandingly. He patted me on the shoulder.

“Allah has a plan for you Safia.” He said and then left to go to his room.

I climbed into bed and the expected feeling of loneliness took over. I began to yearn for Yusuf, his voice, his presence, his body which I developed a habit of snuggling next to. I hugged my blanket and closed my eyes but it was hours before sleep finally came. I knew Allah had a plan for me. I prayed that Yusuf was part of that plan, but only Allah knew best.

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Author's note:

Hello/Salaam lovely people! Everyone seems a little taken aback by the sudden change in the story. Some people don't like it, oh well. I hope most of you are enjoying it. I am! Let's be serious, wouldn't this story have been boring if it was like, 'and then they stayed happy forever and ever.' 

Thank you all sooo much for your support. Your comments are the best part of my day! :)