Girl by Blake Nelson

Chapter 15

After that Pax played and then it was Color Green's turn. And even though Bender was sup- posed to be the headliner it seemed like every- one wanted to see Color Green. And it was getting really packed and people were pushing and me and Rebecca tried to hold our place and not get pushed away by these dumb boys in flannel shirts who kept shoving each other. And it was so obvious that Color Green was such a big deal and I was already resenting them because I thought Cybil was the best. And when they came onstage they strutted around and acted so cool. And people yelled at Todd and he ignored everyone and they were such rock stars. And then they played and it was really loud and violent and the flannel boys started slamming and elbowing everyone and knocking into us and we had to move away because they were being such jerks.

We went over to the side and watched from there. Then Cybil came over to us and said we could come into the dress- ing room if we wanted. So we did and it was this little room with graffiti everywhere and Richard and Greg were sitting on a bench drinking juice and eating rice cakes. And I told them how much I loved "Oblivion" and their old songs too and how dumb Color Green was but Cybil said Color Green was good, it was just more grunge influenced and we should give it a chance. And then some other guys came in and they smoked pot and Cybil waved the smoke away and when they left I smelled my dress to see if the smell got on me.

When Color Green got done they came in and they were all sweaty. We scooted down the bench to give them room but they were just waiting for their encore. And I watched Todd and he asked if anyone had pot and then Cybil gave him some of her juice. And then they went back out and everyone cheered and screamed and it wasn't that much different than a football game, boys smashing each other and getting all the glory, except that the audience was crazier and on more drugs.

After their encore they came back and Cybil told us we should leave but Todd told us to stay and the one named Luke drank the rest of Cybil's juice and he was a very dangerous-looking boy. He had tattoos and long hair and this sort of greasy stoner look in his eyes. And they all flopped on the bench and Todd took off his shirt and he had gross little hairs coming out of his nipples. And he talked to Cybil and she was being so polite and respectful and it made me mad because her band was as good as his.

Then the guys from Bender came in and it got too crowded so we went outside and sat on the curb. And after a while Todd and Luke came out and sat there too, a little down from us and of course they were talking to the rust-haired girl and her beautiful dreadlocked friend and they were the coolest girls there and they knew it. And then this guy came up to me and it was Kevin! Kevin who drove me home the night Mark Pierce cut his head! Wow! He said he saw us going into the dressing room and were we rock stars now? I was so happy to see him, I gave him a big hug. And he had a friend, Doug, who was visiting from college and he was cute and he had a bottle of Jack Daniel's and he offered it around. I took a little and Rebecca took some and she immediately started flirting with him. Then Todd Sparrow came over and made everyone nervous because he was such a star. But then Doug offered him the bottle and he took a sip and handed it to Luke and when Luke saw what it was he said, "All right!" and everybody laughed. And then the rust-haired girl came over but she didn't talk and she didn't want any Jack Daniel's. She just stood behind Todd and stared at Cybil and she was extremely weird.

Then Bender played. They were really loud and noisy and everybody was outside anyway and it was such a scene, like a party, except it was on the street and no high school idiots and everyone was so cool. Rebecca got out her cigarettes and I decided to smoke one except I was out of practice and I coughed and it was embarrassing. And then Todd reached over and grabbed it out of my mouth and at first I just stared at him but then I was like, "Give it back!" He said he'd show me how, and I tried to grab it and he said I was too young to smoke and I chased him across the street and everybody laughed. So I went back to the curb and sat with Rebecca and she gave me another one and I lit it but I didn't really smoke it because I didn't want to start coughing in front of everyone. And then Todd tried to sit down between me and Rebecca and we wouldn't let him and he said we were lesbians. Then he looked really hard at me and said, "Didn't I see you outside the library one time?" I said, "No!" And I got another sip of Jack Daniel's and Luke talked to the rust- haired girl and I asked Todd who she was and he said her name was Carla and did I want to meet her? I said no and Todd asked me if I liked girls and I tried to kick him and my cigarette fell in my lap and almost burned my cow dress.

Then we got in cars to go to a party. It was some people Todd knew and we didn't know if we were invited but Todd said we were. Rebecca tried to get Kevin and Doug in our car but they had their own car so we ended up with Mike, who was the drummer of Color Green. Mike had a quart of beer in a paper bag that was all wet and Rebecca kept telling him not to spill any because she'd get in big trouble. So then we followed Greg, who was following Todd, and we were like a caravan and I looked at my watch and it was already quarter to twelve, I only had an hour. We got to the party and went inside and boy was I glad I had on lipstick because the people were totally weird and underground. Every- one stared at us and Todd led us into the backyard which was a relief. Rebecca and I sat on the steps and Todd sat with us and Kevin and Doug wanted to sit too but there wasn't room so they just stood there and they couldn't talk because Todd was talking. Rebecca gave Todd a cigarette and he demonstrated all the ways to hold it like: "The Intellectual," "The Bitch," "The Bohemian," and I kept laughing even though I didn't want to encourage him. And then I looked up and Cybil was watching all this and Richard too and they weren't talking to anyone or having fun and suddenly I felt like I was being this idiot party girl.

Rebecca and I left at quarter to one and we zoomed through town and then out Highway 27 and onto Shelby Road and at the big intersection there was a car across from us full of people and a boy was hanging out the window yelling "Hillside rules!" So I guess we beat Camden at football. And we raced home and I sniffed myself for cigarette smoke and jammed pieces of gum in my mouth and we got to my house at ten after and I ran in and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. Thank God. I went upstairs and stripped out of my clothes and jumped in bed but I was way too excited to sleep. So I put on Girl Patrol and laid there thinking about Kevin and Doug and mysterious Carla and the black girl with dreadlocks and the stupid flannel boys and scary Luke and the Bender guy from San Francisco and all the weird people at the party and most of all, even though I was trying not to, I kept think- ing about Todd Sparrow and the cigarettes and remembering how he touched my hand when he showed me how to hold it.

On Saturday I went downtown with Rebecca and we went to Scamp's and we were hoping we might see someone from Outer Limits but it was all normal people downtown, like no cool people would even go there on Saturday. And we wondered if Kevin and Doug would call and Rebecca said that the real question was Todd Sparrow and I was like what do you mean? She said he totally liked me and I was like, "No way!" And she said yes and I told her she was crazy. But then she got really quiet and she was scraping the last of her yogurt out of her cup and not looking at me and I wondered if it could be true.

And then on Sunday Kevin called and his friend Doug was going back to Oregon State and did we want to hang out and see him off? We did and it was fun because we had cappuccinos at Metro Mall and then walked around by the bus station and Rebecca kept tagging along beside Doug and asking him questions and totally putting the moves on him. And then when his bus came she gave him this big kiss and Kevin looked at me and I knew he wanted to kiss me too but he was afraid so nothing happened.

But then the next day he called me and invited me to a movie and afterward he kissed me right away and then we made out for an hour. We went out a couple more times and then on Halloween we went to a party of Learning Center people and everyone was on drugs except us. And that night we tried to have sex in his car but it was difficult and it was over before it really began. And afterward Kevin was getting all weird about Cybil and the Outer Limits scene and he said he thought it was okay to screw around like that when you were in high school but a real artist had to be more serious and I said that Cybil to me was the most real artist that could ever be since she spoke straight from her soul. And he said that music wasn't really art and we argued about it and I guess he felt bad because he couldn't have sex very long.

And then I had to do this horrible history report and my parents started letting me have the car to go to the downtown library. And I bought a pack of cigarettes to have an excuse to stand outside and I always watched for Todd Sparrow but it was November and cold and raining every day so I couldn't stay out there very long. And when the library closed I'd go to Scamp's and eat frozen yogurt. And I'd sit by the window and watch people and wonder where Todd might be. And it was so weird because with Brad I wanted so badly to love him but I couldn't and with Todd I didn't want to love him but it was happening anyway and there was nothing I could do to stop it.