Riverside | Mental Hospital | (Finished book)

Chapter Twelve

Chapter 12

As Claire has said, I soon found myself on the new, rebranded, higher level. Now I was in yet another room, only this time very similar to the first, it had a big bay window, the main difference was the lack an ensuite bathroom, but the room itself wasn't unbearable.

When I found out about the meeting for our group, I had no intention of attending, I wanted to keep myself to myself. Yet, for some reason when Claire knocked and asked, I somehow found myself going. My guess was it was because I wanted to make an effort to impress her. When we walked in, everyone else was there, and they all looked pleasantly surprised to see me, I took a corner seat, and Claire sat on the office chair and smiled encouraging me.

Around the table was Sam, who I was mildly surprised to see. Then there was Evie next to me, who was looking at me up and down, and then opposite me was Ethan. He smiled at me, his eyes casting through and into me, and I looked away. He then whispered, "Been jumping of bannisters ay?"

I started to shake a little bit at that comment, as the meeting started. Claire noticed and looked at me, and mouthed if I was okay. I just looked and nodded back. The meeting itself was rather pointless, but that was okay, at least I got out of my room before John came.

My first counselling session with John was bad, I at least tried to embrace it. Claire had pushed it to be before Dannie's ceremony, but I wasn't thrilled. I walked in, and from get go it wasn't good. He asked silly questions, and I just wanted to go. I was honest about talking to Dannie in my head, but he was in denial it was possible and suggested that he should talk to someone about antipsychotic medication, how can you tell me that? A grieving friend, why?

That's when I realised, I could write to Dannie, she was still there and then at least she'd understand!

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Dear Dannie,

The very first thing you need to know is I'm really so deeply sorry for everything. The shock and pain I'm in are immense, and for it to happen, it was my fault. I let you climb that bannister and I let you go over, I let you fall and I didn't get to even say bye, or admit that I love you.

I promise you I didn't realise and now I have immense guilt for denying how I felt and my sexuality, my naivety cost you your life, and how ignorant of me. That last kiss was beautiful and made me realise just what you meant, and in an instant, everything slipped away from me, and my grasp.

Looking back now, I know. You're still with me every day and I'm so thankful, I fear you and our secret conversations will disappear. Dannie my love, I love you, and I can't face that I have simply lost you.

Please, I'm so sorry - The guilt is immense and I'll never expect you to forgive me.

Love - Your first lover & best friend for always, 

-Effie